Hello People

I'm still here somewhere in time. I don't know the last time I blogged. I haven't looked. All I know is that I am still here.

I just went through a pretty nice depression even though I've been pretty clear of it for a year! One hospital visit over a year ago. Not too bad.

What a nutcase!

Just kidding.

Go here --> http://www.nami.org

Emergency Update

I spent Saturday in the ER for a suicidal episode. I have not been doing well for a while now. I am going to be getting into talk therapy because this is an issue that keeps coming back.

I know I put this blog into hiatus but that is because I was giving up on a lot of things in my life at the time. But perhaps I should start talking on it again... I don't know.

It's 2:30am and I don't feel like going to sleep. I have to go to work tomorrow.

How does one deal with the guilt of becoming violent towards himself? How do we deal with sudden uphevals? As bipolar individuals what do we do?

I've been so quiet on his blog for so long I hope someone happens on it and says something.

Oatmeal

Lately life has been a bit different.

I am extremely busy at work trying to get a project done. The good thing is that I don't really take my work with me when I go home. I leave the stress there. I just don't care anymore. That place is and always has been messed up. I have my resume floating around.

My life at home has been different too. I am no longer focusing on a business or any project. I just come home eat dinner. Sometimes I manage to be productive.

I would say giving up made things a little better.

What is new

I feel better after making a decision.

Crazy stuff is happening at my work. I can't really say what and keep anonymous. To me it feels like chaos and instability. Like I am on a sinking boat. Last time I felt this way I got another job and 8 months later my whole team was laid off. I missed it by months.

Also noting bad communication, disliking how the company is run, and mismanagement by my boss I feel it is time to cut and run.

I am working on a high profile project and I don't even care about it. I am going to work hard at it and get it done but I simply just don't care. I refuse to feel stress because of what is going on at work. It's just not worth it.

I tried to decide to stay but the only time I feel happy is when I am working on leaving that place.

Bipolar and Depressed

It will not go away. I had a partial day off from depession. Perhaps I experienced rapid cycling. Things are not going well.

I am sad.

20 Days off

Believe it or not I took 20 days off. I am starting to think those were 20 days of my life I missed.

In that time I went to my pdoc and got Lexipro. I am feeling how I did 10 years ago without medicaiton. Extremely depressed. I don't know what Lexipro is going to do. We will see.

I haven't done everything I said I was going to do but I may as well have. I spend no time on things I used to spend time on. My "business" is to me gone. I would cancel my web hosting for my other site but I am too lazy. In reality everything is the same except I no longer think about it. I don't believe in myself anymore.

I just kind of gave up on everything. Did it make me feel any better? No.

I have since decided many times to work towards feeling better only to be met at the door by extreme depression. Pain. Suffering. Misery. It's like a big scary wall.

So am I back?

I don't know. I just read a comment and felt like an update.

4 days to Hiatus

Ok fine. I won't delete this blog just yet. But I am going on hiatus.

It's not like I spend a lot of time blogging anyway. But still hiatus is better than deletion because in the future I can still go back and look at my old posts.