Crazy Times

Well I haven't read my last post so I do not know what I said or when I said it. All I know is that this year has been extremely eventful.

In February I separated from my wife. At first it was going to be a month then it was a few months and then . . . Well first of all she started having this guy over while I was living elsewhere. Then I found out he was staying the night. In fact she had him over a day after I moved out. On Valentines day no less. When I found out about this I almost walked away from her. At this point I honestly wish I had.

The next month while I was spending a weekend at the house while she was out of town I found love letters between her and this guy. That led to my first legal issue. I kicked a hole in a wall after becoming extremely agitated. I wish after I had found the letters that I would have walked away from her. (see a pattern here?)

At that point I got a lawyer. Did I walk away yet? No.

In April after she had told me she was no longer going to have the guy over I drove by the house. I knew he was there. She had just gotten back from yet another trip--the family vacation that had been planned. My plan was to see if he was there and then to talk to her in person to tell her I was having the signed divorce papers sent to her to sign. Unfortunately I was too aggressive in trying to communicate with her.

So months after this incident I find out that I had three misdemeanors charged against me. Stalking, harassment, and criminal trespass for trying to get into my own house. In the end two of the charges were dropped and I ended up with the stalking charge. Again I wish I would have just left her at that point.

I finally did walk away and I have not spoken to her since April. I saw her and her kids when I was at court. She was not welcome there since she was only there to watch but she had a legal right to be there since it was a public thing. The kids should not have been there though.

Right before my last court date I lost my job. I had to move out of my apartment. I spent the next month getting back on my feet.

After I my divorce was final I met someone and started dating her. She is a lot more sane than my ex wife was or ever will be. I ended up moving in with her because of everything that was going on at the time. It was too early for me to move in but after a while we both ended up adjusting to it. Moving back out now would be damaging to the relationship not to mention pointless.

The funny thing is that I live a few miles from my ex. This would not have been my first choice.

I will always love my two step-kids... well they are not exactly step-kids anymore but they always will be to me. Unfortunately due to circumstances I am unable to communicate with them. If I could I would tell them I still care for them.

Why can't I talk to them? You see my ex has been trying to put me in jail. First she cheated on me then she tried to put me in jail. Thus, my lawyer said it was best if I move from the state I live in. I cannot have any communication with her because it puts me at risk. Furthermore, I cannot communicate with the kids either because that puts me at risk.

While it's true that I would never have any kind of relationship with my ex (I dont' associate with people who cheat, lie, and attempt to put me in jail for no good reason) I wish I could talk to the kids without risking my own personal freedom. The problems I had did not warrant such a punishment.

I have forgiven my ex's cheating. But I will never forget. I will also never forget the control she had over me for years. She is codependent. We thought I was bipolar. I am not. She was my problem my whole time.

Oh yeah. I do not have bipolar disorder. I have major depression. Go figure. Living a crazy life with a codependent made me someone I am not.

I am so much better now. Just a bit sad.

There ya go. My update if anyone who used to read this is still out there. Maybe I will post again.

By the way I am volunteering with NAMI

Hello People

I'm still here somewhere in time. I don't know the last time I blogged. I haven't looked. All I know is that I am still here.

I just went through a pretty nice depression even though I've been pretty clear of it for a year! One hospital visit over a year ago. Not too bad.

What a nutcase!

Just kidding.

Go here --> http://www.nami.org

Emergency Update

I spent Saturday in the ER for a suicidal episode. I have not been doing well for a while now. I am going to be getting into talk therapy because this is an issue that keeps coming back.

I know I put this blog into hiatus but that is because I was giving up on a lot of things in my life at the time. But perhaps I should start talking on it again... I don't know.

It's 2:30am and I don't feel like going to sleep. I have to go to work tomorrow.

How does one deal with the guilt of becoming violent towards himself? How do we deal with sudden uphevals? As bipolar individuals what do we do?

I've been so quiet on his blog for so long I hope someone happens on it and says something.

Oatmeal

Lately life has been a bit different.

I am extremely busy at work trying to get a project done. The good thing is that I don't really take my work with me when I go home. I leave the stress there. I just don't care anymore. That place is and always has been messed up. I have my resume floating around.

My life at home has been different too. I am no longer focusing on a business or any project. I just come home eat dinner. Sometimes I manage to be productive.

I would say giving up made things a little better.

What is new

I feel better after making a decision.

Crazy stuff is happening at my work. I can't really say what and keep anonymous. To me it feels like chaos and instability. Like I am on a sinking boat. Last time I felt this way I got another job and 8 months later my whole team was laid off. I missed it by months.

Also noting bad communication, disliking how the company is run, and mismanagement by my boss I feel it is time to cut and run.

I am working on a high profile project and I don't even care about it. I am going to work hard at it and get it done but I simply just don't care. I refuse to feel stress because of what is going on at work. It's just not worth it.

I tried to decide to stay but the only time I feel happy is when I am working on leaving that place.

Bipolar and Depressed

It will not go away. I had a partial day off from depession. Perhaps I experienced rapid cycling. Things are not going well.

I am sad.

20 Days off

Believe it or not I took 20 days off. I am starting to think those were 20 days of my life I missed.

In that time I went to my pdoc and got Lexipro. I am feeling how I did 10 years ago without medicaiton. Extremely depressed. I don't know what Lexipro is going to do. We will see.

I haven't done everything I said I was going to do but I may as well have. I spend no time on things I used to spend time on. My "business" is to me gone. I would cancel my web hosting for my other site but I am too lazy. In reality everything is the same except I no longer think about it. I don't believe in myself anymore.

I just kind of gave up on everything. Did it make me feel any better? No.

I have since decided many times to work towards feeling better only to be met at the door by extreme depression. Pain. Suffering. Misery. It's like a big scary wall.

So am I back?

I don't know. I just read a comment and felt like an update.