Friday, January 06, 2012

2012

It's 2012 and we are all supposed to disappear December 21. I certainly hope not! I'm just blogging to say I'm still here. I highly doubt anyone will read this. I haven't consistently blogged for years. But I like this blog for its history.

My life has changed a lot. I am successful and happy at work. I no longer have a bipolar type II diagnosis although it's still possible that I suffer from this disorder. It's more likely I have major depression.

I haven't attempted suicide in two years. I have no signs of interest in going that direction again.

I do have issues in my life but they are much smaller issues.

Anyway. Hi!

Sunday, December 05, 2010

Depression

Depression doesn't go away no matter how much you would like it to. Yes I take my pills every day. I say that because there was a recent period where I stopped taking them. It was a failed experiment. I needed to see why I have to take pills all the time. I hadn't forgotten it's just there has been so many changes I wondered if I just didn't suffer from depression. Well it turns out I do.

I have to say that lately I've been feeling a lot worse. I am going to start seeing a therapist again. I have three months of prescriptions left and I am going to avoid seeing a psychiatrist until I am close to being out. It seems like every day I feel nothing and care about nothing. I go through the motions a lot. I remember when Christmas meant something to me but now it just doesn't. I don't really care about the holidays anymore. I celebrate them for everyone else. I just don't feel like I have anything to celebrate. Life to me is just something I'm getting through.

I am no longer seeing my old psychiatrist for two reasons. One reason is that my insurance changed and the place I used to go to isn't covered. Another reason is that I just can't go back to that place. I am referring to the psychiatric hospital. My therapist and psychiatrist worked there and I would go there on an outpatient basis. I will never be going back to the hospital unless it is absolutely necessary as it was last time. It's beyond a desire or goal at this point. I just won't go back there unless I am in really bad shape. I don't see me getting to that point again. Now I just do badly in a mediocre way not in a spectacular way.

Unlike in the past my work is going pretty well. I am liked and respected at my work. Sometimes I work odd hours but I'm alright with that. I've tried the whole hating my job and quitting thing and I have to say working a few odd hours now and then betas the hell out of knowing that I have the last dollar in my pocket.

I don't dread things like I used to. However, I am becoming more and more complacent about things. I just don't care.

A thought came to my mind today. If I could win $10,000 I could just pack up and leave this state. I live three miles from my ex-wife and get constant reminders of the old life.

Thanks for letting me vent...


Friday, December 03, 2010

The Past

I am amazed at the fact that people have gone on here and commented. I haven't blogged for a long time. These days I forget about this crazy blog but perhaps I should use it as an outlet again. I kind of stopped because things got insane and then they got sane again and I didn't need it anymore.

I started a project at the very beginning of my divorce and I called it the streaming life project. My intent was to document the hell I was about to go through. Sadly I didn't do a whole lot of documenting when things actually fell apart. All I have to show for it is a few videos I shot with my phone. One of them starts off with my ex-cat (the family pet of my former family). It made me sad to see that video. It brought up memories.

A lot of things make me sad... and I feel a lot of guilt. I can no longer talk to my ex-stepkids and that is always hard for me. I try not to think about it or deal with it. In fact just about everything about my past I try not to deal with. I don't talk about it much with my girlfriend. I don't talk about things in my groups anymore. I just kind of sealed my whole past shut.

So it's obvious I need to go to therapy again. It's just hard for me because I filed for bankruptcy over all of the bills caused by my mental illness. I know that's no reason. I facilitate a support group for people with mental illness. I give advice to see therapists all the time and yet I don't.

So back to my topic. The past. The past is painful. It shaped who I am now. It influences what I do with my life now. That's all fine and dandy but it still hurts. My behavior back then was sad. What happened to me is painful. This blog has some of those memories. Maybe that's why I forget that it exists.

What should be done about the past? Should I forget about it? How do you forget it? I suppose not dealing with it isn't working. It wants to deal with me! I see it a lot in my groups. People do everything to not deal with past horrors only to have memories floor them with in-your-face flashbacks. I suppose my sadness is a symptom of this. It's my past forcing me to pay attention.

I suppose I will talk about it in therapy.


Until next time...

Stay crazy.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Still here

I'm still alive and kicking one year after my divorce...

Life is different now. I have a different job, I live somewhere different, the way I cope with things is different. I lost my job last year and attempted suicide. I backed out at the last moment, spent a week in a mental hospital, and I have been healing since. I moved in with my girlfriend. I no longer get triggered into sudden suicidal behavior. Going through difficult things has caused me to learn how to cope with difficult situations.

Life is still difficult. I work hard. I work long hours. The thoughts of suicide still cross my head... but the difference is that I use that as a trigger to start changing something. The most recent change is to focus on the right now... this moment. I am not spending my time feeling guilty about the past. I am no longer worrying about tomorrow. I've noticed that colors are brighter, tastes are more intense, I've noticed the details of my environment. It's fascinating.

For the next while I will be writing about what I have been experiencing. I intend to keep going with this way of thinking to see where it gets me. I suspect a lot of my recent dreams will become attainable...

I will keep you posted.

Sunday, October 04, 2009

Crazy Times

Well I haven't read my last post so I do not know what I said or when I said it. All I know is that this year has been extremely eventful.

In February I separated from my wife. At first it was going to be a month then it was a few months and then . . . Well first of all she started having this guy over while I was living elsewhere. Then I found out he was staying the night. In fact she had him over a day after I moved out. On Valentines day no less. When I found out about this I almost walked away from her. At this point I honestly wish I had.

The next month while I was spending a weekend at the house while she was out of town I found love letters between her and this guy. That led to my first legal issue. I kicked a hole in a wall after becoming extremely agitated. I wish after I had found the letters that I would have walked away from her. (see a pattern here?)

At that point I got a lawyer. Did I walk away yet? No.

In April after she had told me she was no longer going to have the guy over I drove by the house. I knew he was there. She had just gotten back from yet another trip--the family vacation that had been planned. My plan was to see if he was there and then to talk to her in person to tell her I was having the signed divorce papers sent to her to sign. Unfortunately I was too aggressive in trying to communicate with her.

So months after this incident I find out that I had three misdemeanors charged against me. Stalking, harassment, and criminal trespass for trying to get into my own house. In the end two of the charges were dropped and I ended up with the stalking charge. Again I wish I would have just left her at that point.

I finally did walk away and I have not spoken to her since April. I saw her and her kids when I was at court. She was not welcome there since she was only there to watch but she had a legal right to be there since it was a public thing. The kids should not have been there though.

Right before my last court date I lost my job. I had to move out of my apartment. I spent the next month getting back on my feet.

After I my divorce was final I met someone and started dating her. She is a lot more sane than my ex wife was or ever will be. I ended up moving in with her because of everything that was going on at the time. It was too early for me to move in but after a while we both ended up adjusting to it. Moving back out now would be damaging to the relationship not to mention pointless.

The funny thing is that I live a few miles from my ex. This would not have been my first choice.

I will always love my two step-kids... well they are not exactly step-kids anymore but they always will be to me. Unfortunately due to circumstances I am unable to communicate with them. If I could I would tell them I still care for them.

Why can't I talk to them? You see my ex has been trying to put me in jail. First she cheated on me then she tried to put me in jail. Thus, my lawyer said it was best if I move from the state I live in. I cannot have any communication with her because it puts me at risk. Furthermore, I cannot communicate with the kids either because that puts me at risk.

While it's true that I would never have any kind of relationship with my ex (I dont' associate with people who cheat, lie, and attempt to put me in jail for no good reason) I wish I could talk to the kids without risking my own personal freedom. The problems I had did not warrant such a punishment.

I have forgiven my ex's cheating. But I will never forget. I will also never forget the control she had over me for years. She is codependent. We thought I was bipolar. I am not. She was my problem my whole time.

Oh yeah. I do not have bipolar disorder. I have major depression. Go figure. Living a crazy life with a codependent made me someone I am not.

I am so much better now. Just a bit sad.

There ya go. My update if anyone who used to read this is still out there. Maybe I will post again.

By the way I am volunteering with NAMI

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Hello People

I'm still here somewhere in time. I don't know the last time I blogged. I haven't looked. All I know is that I am still here.

I just went through a pretty nice depression even though I've been pretty clear of it for a year! One hospital visit over a year ago. Not too bad.

What a nutcase!

Just kidding.

Go here --> http://www.nami.org

Monday, October 01, 2007

Emergency Update

I spent Saturday in the ER for a suicidal episode. I have not been doing well for a while now. I am going to be getting into talk therapy because this is an issue that keeps coming back.

I know I put this blog into hiatus but that is because I was giving up on a lot of things in my life at the time. But perhaps I should start talking on it again... I don't know.

It's 2:30am and I don't feel like going to sleep. I have to go to work tomorrow.

How does one deal with the guilt of becoming violent towards himself? How do we deal with sudden uphevals? As bipolar individuals what do we do?

I've been so quiet on his blog for so long I hope someone happens on it and says something.