Hidden Secrets

I have discovered, or maybe rediscovered, that I most certainly have no idea what is going on inside of me emotionally sometimes. I am going to be quite open and frank about my thoughts because this is a self-counseling session. I just prevented a 'panic' type attack I get in this situation.

Here is the situation:

My role at my job will be changing. Following a long pattern that goes back to 1992-1993 I do not want this role, I do not like the tasks involved, and deep inside somewhere it must scare me even if I don't know it. Although I have learned to embrace change I know that if I do not want the change and do not see the value in it, I still have problems with it.

The tasks I am taking for this role are familiar. I already know I would not want to do it full time. I have done this stuff on and off for a while now. That is how I know I do not like doing it. It's like getting a new job only I would not accept this job. In fact I would skip over it in job postings.

I also feel shitty because everyone else is moving on to something 'new' while I am going to take on this task. Yes I would much rather take on the 'new' stuff. I would rather create. Is this because I am the most qualified to take on this role? Probably. But my thoughts are on low-self esteem mode and I feel like I am stuck in this role because I suck at what I do. Which is probably not really true. Is sure as hell shouldn't be.

So why can't I just say 'no' to the new role? I haven't even been asked if I want the role. I've just been informed by a coworker that I will have it. I know that it is real because this is how it is at my work. No my boss has not even mentioned it to me. Will my boss ever? Probably not until I already have it.

Basically I do not like feeling a lack of control or choice. I embrace freedom which is why I want my own business so badly.

Another issue is that if I am going to take this role I want a raise. However, I will not ask for one because there has already been someone who got fired during the 'asking for a raise' process. I already got a raise in January will be an excuse I will hear also. The trick is at this place is to get yourself another job and leave. Forget asking for a raise--you get one a year.

So given all of that even before I knew I was taking this role on I knew I was going to be doing a job search. However, I have been slow at it. At first I wanted the new year to come. Then I wanted my anniversary of being hired to come. Now that I am facing this new role I just want out more. I am going to be needing the extra money.

I have looked but not enough. One thing eating at me right now is that I am not looking. I am not interviewing. I have no prospects and yet staying at this job is becoming more and more painful. Especially when the coworker says something similar to: "You know your life is going to become hell don't you? But it will be good because of x."

So with that background this is what I realized today:

1. I fear the new role
2. I fear things related to the role
3. I am angry I am going to have the role
4. Having the role and being in this situation makes me want to quit
5. I am upset because I am not looking for a job enough
6. I am depressed because of the fear, lack of control, and low-self esteem

What stopped me from freaking out?

The pattern has been that I hit a boiling point. I am always driving in my car when this happens always on my way to or from work. I start to cry and freak out. Then I decide that I just can't go back to work. It is too painful. That is when I find a way. Once I just flat out quit the job right then. The next time I became suicidal--left work early and went to the hospital. This time???

Empowerment is what stopped me from freaking out. The questions:

Q. What can I learn from this?
A. I have been depressed because of fear of the new role most likely. Plus my lack of self-esteem has not helped either. (This explains a lot)

Q. What is good about this?
A. It will motivate me to finally do a proper search

Q. What is funny about this?
A. I will get the new role, then I will turn around and get another job. I think it is funny because they probably will not expect it.

The facts

I will not be staying. That was already planned. I will not communicate my dislike of the role to my boss. Why bother if I am not staying anyway. Even if they changed who got the role I would not stay. This job was a stepping-stone chance to get into a field that would keep me current. I am there and I am worth more now.

I want to start my own business. My long term goal has already been to get one more job--one that I like--and then move on to my business.

So there you have it. That is why I have been severely depressed for the past while.

What I am going to do about it

I need to ask myself some quality questions about where I am who I am and what I am doing. What am I learning from this? What am I getting from this? What is funny about this? What is good about this?

I am going to be finally hitting the job search hard this weekend. Especially Sunday. I will talk to recruiters next week. I need to feel that I am moving forward. I hate recruiters but if I am going to find a good job I need to explore every choice. I also need to brush up on some things. If I do that my self-esteem will grow. I won't feel inadequate.

Finally I will continue to put my business together. As slow as it is I am making progress.

Gotta go.

Thanks for the free session.