I'm taking a break from everything I am doing (not including blogging) to be depressed.
Yeah I know it sounds silly doesn't it?
The one thing I believe about being bipolar is this: You can't control how you will feel directly. You can, however, choose what you think and how you behave. This disease does not control you like a puppet. (I hope that clarifies a bit, Sarah).
So I am choosing to think that I am depressed (because I feel like I am) and I am choosing to basically do nothing about it. Let it pass. Ride it out. It's a wave.
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Yesterday I woke up and I felt down. At lunch time I felt a lot more upbeat. I don't really know what my mood was in the evening. I was busy just existing. (not to mention I spent a lot of time playing video games--probably an escape)
Yesterday I consciously chose to take a break from the "success" things I think about so much. I don't think I really have been feeling like it. I've been forcing it on myself. Maybe. I'm not going to listen to CD's and I'm not reading anything. I am also not thinking about it. I just don't want to.
Last night I was down again. This morning I was really down. Right now I am "just existing" again. I do have symptoms of depression like thoughts of purposelessness and sameness. I wonder why I keep living the same weeks over and over again.
I have mild dread for my future at work. The problem is that there aren't many jobs to apply for. I could try out recruiters again but they always take jobs you apply for and switch them around. I just want to tell them, "look, I applied for this job online and that is all I want to apply for--nothing else. No contract work. No contract-to-hire. NO NO NO!"
So what does tonight hold?
Who cares. . .
1 comments:
I see your point, but I think you have it all wrong. I personally think life can be a trigger. You need to do things that make you happy when you’re down. “You” have to break the cycle. To stop everything and just let your mind ruminate about the reasons why you are depressed is probably the worst idea I have ever heard. Thinking positive breeds positive emotions. Visualize being happy. For every negative thought write down a positive counter that you truly believe in. Don’t just resign to be sad dude. Do something that you love to do and get wrapped up in it. Give happiness a try. Don’t get me wrong, I too get depressed and can’t seem to get happy, but just riding it out on purpose IMO, is totally the wrong approach.
Later, Ash out.
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