Acting The Same

I tried acting differently (making my days a bit different for those of you who haven't read my blog). Yesterday evening I acted the same. What was better?

Last night I was in a really depressed state. Any time my work decides to dump 8 hours of work on me at quitting time I get very upset. It just plain pisses me off. I don't mind scheduled work that I know will take more work hours than there are in one day. I do mind sudden things like this. Hell I quit my last job over this. But it was 10 times as severe.

It makes me feel a lack of freedom. And when I already hate where I am and have a hair out the door it makes me feel like opening the door and just running out.

So my feeling towards my work plus depression caused me to want to sleep. So I went to sleep early last night. I feel like this crap just continues so what is the point. The weeks go by. It's the same thing over and over only it gets worse and worse.

Would changing jobs really help me? Honestly I don't think so. Maybe if I found my dream job--in this field. I don't believe my dream job is out there. Or if it is I would have to take a pay cut to get it.

I face it every day. I hate what I do.

Being an entrepreneur I see that there are other options and that just hurts me more because I tease myself into thinking I can have those options when I really can't. I can't because I am always choosing depression over anything else. As long as I do that I am going to be stuck.

So what is better acting the same or doing something different. I must stand up on my chair and proclaim that doing something different is a lot better.

When you are depressed make your days different. You won't feel like such a robot.

So where do I stand? I am stressed out about today. I am not taking the bus like I wanted to because I don't want to have to have someone pick me up at the train station. My bus does not run late so when I am late coming home I have to get a ride which defeats the whole purpose of taking the bus. So I won't be taking the bus even though it would save me a lot of money due to high gas prices. That, to me, feels like my work is piercing my skin with little hooks that invade my personal life.

To me work and personal lives do not mix. In the modern world you are expected to give up personal time to work. In fact if you want to advance in this world you need to give up personal time. I am fine with that if I believe in what I do but I don't. I hate what we do at my job. I think it is crap. I want out. Did you know that I secretly want to get fired right now. I know that sounds scary but that's a feeling I have. My wife won't like it when she reads that. But it's just a feeling. I'm not going to act on it so don't worry. My way of acting on that feeling is by looking for another job.

I have to go now.

I was going to leave 30 minutes ago but I had to get this out.

Bye