Depression

Depression doesn't go away no matter how much you would like it to. Yes I take my pills every day. I say that because there was a recent period where I stopped taking them. It was a failed experiment. I needed to see why I have to take pills all the time. I hadn't forgotten it's just there has been so many changes I wondered if I just didn't suffer from depression. Well it turns out I do.

I have to say that lately I've been feeling a lot worse. I am going to start seeing a therapist again. I have three months of prescriptions left and I am going to avoid seeing a psychiatrist until I am close to being out. It seems like every day I feel nothing and care about nothing. I go through the motions a lot. I remember when Christmas meant something to me but now it just doesn't. I don't really care about the holidays anymore. I celebrate them for everyone else. I just don't feel like I have anything to celebrate. Life to me is just something I'm getting through.

I am no longer seeing my old psychiatrist for two reasons. One reason is that my insurance changed and the place I used to go to isn't covered. Another reason is that I just can't go back to that place. I am referring to the psychiatric hospital. My therapist and psychiatrist worked there and I would go there on an outpatient basis. I will never be going back to the hospital unless it is absolutely necessary as it was last time. It's beyond a desire or goal at this point. I just won't go back there unless I am in really bad shape. I don't see me getting to that point again. Now I just do badly in a mediocre way not in a spectacular way.

Unlike in the past my work is going pretty well. I am liked and respected at my work. Sometimes I work odd hours but I'm alright with that. I've tried the whole hating my job and quitting thing and I have to say working a few odd hours now and then betas the hell out of knowing that I have the last dollar in my pocket.

I don't dread things like I used to. However, I am becoming more and more complacent about things. I just don't care.

A thought came to my mind today. If I could win $10,000 I could just pack up and leave this state. I live three miles from my ex-wife and get constant reminders of the old life.

Thanks for letting me vent...