I started a project at the very beginning of my divorce and I called it the streaming life project. My intent was to document the hell I was about to go through. Sadly I didn't do a whole lot of documenting when things actually fell apart. All I have to show for it is a few videos I shot with my phone. One of them starts off with my ex-cat (the family pet of my former family). It made me sad to see that video. It brought up memories.
A lot of things make me sad... and I feel a lot of guilt. I can no longer talk to my ex-stepkids and that is always hard for me. I try not to think about it or deal with it. In fact just about everything about my past I try not to deal with. I don't talk about it much with my girlfriend. I don't talk about things in my groups anymore. I just kind of sealed my whole past shut.
So it's obvious I need to go to therapy again. It's just hard for me because I filed for bankruptcy over all of the bills caused by my mental illness. I know that's no reason. I facilitate a support group for people with mental illness. I give advice to see therapists all the time and yet I don't.
So back to my topic. The past. The past is painful. It shaped who I am now. It influences what I do with my life now. That's all fine and dandy but it still hurts. My behavior back then was sad. What happened to me is painful. This blog has some of those memories. Maybe that's why I forget that it exists.
What should be done about the past? Should I forget about it? How do you forget it? I suppose not dealing with it isn't working. It wants to deal with me! I see it a lot in my groups. People do everything to not deal with past horrors only to have memories floor them with in-your-face flashbacks. I suppose my sadness is a symptom of this. It's my past forcing me to pay attention.
I suppose I will talk about it in therapy.
Until next time...
Stay crazy.
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