Depression

Depression doesn't go away no matter how much you would like it to. Yes I take my pills every day. I say that because there was a recent period where I stopped taking them. It was a failed experiment. I needed to see why I have to take pills all the time. I hadn't forgotten it's just there has been so many changes I wondered if I just didn't suffer from depression. Well it turns out I do.

I have to say that lately I've been feeling a lot worse. I am going to start seeing a therapist again. I have three months of prescriptions left and I am going to avoid seeing a psychiatrist until I am close to being out. It seems like every day I feel nothing and care about nothing. I go through the motions a lot. I remember when Christmas meant something to me but now it just doesn't. I don't really care about the holidays anymore. I celebrate them for everyone else. I just don't feel like I have anything to celebrate. Life to me is just something I'm getting through.

I am no longer seeing my old psychiatrist for two reasons. One reason is that my insurance changed and the place I used to go to isn't covered. Another reason is that I just can't go back to that place. I am referring to the psychiatric hospital. My therapist and psychiatrist worked there and I would go there on an outpatient basis. I will never be going back to the hospital unless it is absolutely necessary as it was last time. It's beyond a desire or goal at this point. I just won't go back there unless I am in really bad shape. I don't see me getting to that point again. Now I just do badly in a mediocre way not in a spectacular way.

Unlike in the past my work is going pretty well. I am liked and respected at my work. Sometimes I work odd hours but I'm alright with that. I've tried the whole hating my job and quitting thing and I have to say working a few odd hours now and then betas the hell out of knowing that I have the last dollar in my pocket.

I don't dread things like I used to. However, I am becoming more and more complacent about things. I just don't care.

A thought came to my mind today. If I could win $10,000 I could just pack up and leave this state. I live three miles from my ex-wife and get constant reminders of the old life.

Thanks for letting me vent...

The Past

I am amazed at the fact that people have gone on here and commented. I haven't blogged for a long time. These days I forget about this crazy blog but perhaps I should use it as an outlet again. I kind of stopped because things got insane and then they got sane again and I didn't need it anymore.

I started a project at the very beginning of my divorce and I called it the streaming life project. My intent was to document the hell I was about to go through. Sadly I didn't do a whole lot of documenting when things actually fell apart. All I have to show for it is a few videos I shot with my phone. One of them starts off with my ex-cat (the family pet of my former family). It made me sad to see that video. It brought up memories.

A lot of things make me sad... and I feel a lot of guilt. I can no longer talk to my ex-stepkids and that is always hard for me. I try not to think about it or deal with it. In fact just about everything about my past I try not to deal with. I don't talk about it much with my girlfriend. I don't talk about things in my groups anymore. I just kind of sealed my whole past shut.

So it's obvious I need to go to therapy again. It's just hard for me because I filed for bankruptcy over all of the bills caused by my mental illness. I know that's no reason. I facilitate a support group for people with mental illness. I give advice to see therapists all the time and yet I don't.

So back to my topic. The past. The past is painful. It shaped who I am now. It influences what I do with my life now. That's all fine and dandy but it still hurts. My behavior back then was sad. What happened to me is painful. This blog has some of those memories. Maybe that's why I forget that it exists.

What should be done about the past? Should I forget about it? How do you forget it? I suppose not dealing with it isn't working. It wants to deal with me! I see it a lot in my groups. People do everything to not deal with past horrors only to have memories floor them with in-your-face flashbacks. I suppose my sadness is a symptom of this. It's my past forcing me to pay attention.

I suppose I will talk about it in therapy.

Until next time...

Stay crazy.