Cranky Crazy and Quite Fine

2012

2012-01-06T22:45:00.002-07:00

It's 2012 and we are all supposed to disappear December 21. I certainly hope not! I'm just blogging to say I'm still here. I highly doubt anyone will read this. I haven't consistently blogged for years. But I like this blog for its history.

My life has changed a lot. I am successful and happy at work. I no longer have a bipolar type II diagnosis although it's still possible that I suffer from this disorder. It's more likely I have major depression.

I haven't attempted suicide in two years. I have no signs of interest in going that direction again.

I do have issues in my life but they are much smaller issues.

Anyway. Hi!

Depression

2010-12-05T21:07:00.003-07:00

Depression doesn't go away no matter how much you would like it to. Yes I take my pills every day. I say that because there was a recent period where I stopped taking them. It was a failed experiment. I needed to see why I have to take pills all the time. I hadn't forgotten it's just there has been so many changes I wondered if I just didn't suffer from depression. Well it turns out I do.

I have to say that lately I've been feeling a lot worse. I am going to start seeing a therapist again. I have three months of prescriptions left and I am going to avoid seeing a psychiatrist until I am close to being out. It seems like every day I feel nothing and care about nothing. I go through the motions a lot. I remember when Christmas meant something to me but now it just doesn't. I don't really care about the holidays anymore. I celebrate them for everyone else. I just don't feel like I have anything to celebrate. Life to me is just something I'm getting through.

I am no longer seeing my old psychiatrist for two reasons. One reason is that my insurance changed and the place I used to go to isn't covered. Another reason is that I just can't go back to that place. I am referring to the psychiatric hospital. My therapist and psychiatrist worked there and I would go there on an outpatient basis. I will never be going back to the hospital unless it is absolutely necessary as it was last time. It's beyond a desire or goal at this point. I just won't go back there unless I am in really bad shape. I don't see me getting to that point again. Now I just do badly in a mediocre way not in a spectacular way.

Unlike in the past my work is going pretty well. I am liked and respected at my work. Sometimes I work odd hours but I'm alright with that. I've tried the whole hating my job and quitting thing and I have to say working a few odd hours now and then betas the hell out of knowing that I have the last dollar in my pocket.

I don't dread things like I used to. However, I am becoming more and more complacent about things. I just don't care.

A thought came to my mind today. If I could win $10,000 I could just pack up and leave this state. I live three miles from my ex-wife and get constant reminders of the old life.

Thanks for letting me vent...

The Past

2010-12-03T21:45:00.003-07:00

I am amazed at the fact that people have gone on here and commented. I haven't blogged for a long time. These days I forget about this crazy blog but perhaps I should use it as an outlet again. I kind of stopped because things got insane and then they got sane again and I didn't need it anymore.

I started a project at the very beginning of my divorce and I called it the streaming life project. My intent was to document the hell I was about to go through. Sadly I didn't do a whole lot of documenting when things actually fell apart. All I have to show for it is a few videos I shot with my phone. One of them starts off with my ex-cat (the family pet of my former family). It made me sad to see that video. It brought up memories.

A lot of things make me sad... and I feel a lot of guilt. I can no longer talk to my ex-stepkids and that is always hard for me. I try not to think about it or deal with it. In fact just about everything about my past I try not to deal with. I don't talk about it much with my girlfriend. I don't talk about things in my groups anymore. I just kind of sealed my whole past shut.

So it's obvious I need to go to therapy again. It's just hard for me because I filed for bankruptcy over all of the bills caused by my mental illness. I know that's no reason. I facilitate a support group for people with mental illness. I give advice to see therapists all the time and yet I don't.

So back to my topic. The past. The past is painful. It shaped who I am now. It influences what I do with my life now. That's all fine and dandy but it still hurts. My behavior back then was sad. What happened to me is painful. This blog has some of those memories. Maybe that's why I forget that it exists.

What should be done about the past? Should I forget about it? How do you forget it? I suppose not dealing with it isn't working. It wants to deal with me! I see it a lot in my groups. People do everything to not deal with past horrors only to have memories floor them with in-your-face flashbacks. I suppose my sadness is a symptom of this. It's my past forcing me to pay attention.

I suppose I will talk about it in therapy.

Until next time...

Stay crazy.

Still here

2010-06-23T21:36:00.002-07:00

I'm still alive and kicking one year after my divorce...

Life is different now. I have a different job, I live somewhere different, the way I cope with things is different. I lost my job last year and attempted suicide. I backed out at the last moment, spent a week in a mental hospital, and I have been healing since. I moved in with my girlfriend. I no longer get triggered into sudden suicidal behavior. Going through difficult things has caused me to learn how to cope with difficult situations.

Life is still difficult. I work hard. I work long hours. The thoughts of suicide still cross my head... but the difference is that I use that as a trigger to start changing something. The most recent change is to focus on the right now... this moment. I am not spending my time feeling guilty about the past. I am no longer worrying about tomorrow. I've noticed that colors are brighter, tastes are more intense, I've noticed the details of my environment. It's fascinating.

For the next while I will be writing about what I have been experiencing. I intend to keep going with this way of thinking to see where it gets me. I suspect a lot of my recent dreams will become attainable...

I will keep you posted.

Crazy Times

2009-10-04T15:56:00.003-07:00

Well I haven't read my last post so I do not know what I said or when I said it. All I know is that this year has been extremely eventful.

In February I separated from my wife. At first it was going to be a month then it was a few months and then . . . Well first of all she started having this guy over while I was living elsewhere. Then I found out he was staying the night. In fact she had him over a day after I moved out. On Valentines day no less. When I found out about this I almost walked away from her. At this point I honestly wish I had.

The next month while I was spending a weekend at the house while she was out of town I found love letters between her and this guy. That led to my first legal issue. I kicked a hole in a wall after becoming extremely agitated. I wish after I had found the letters that I would have walked away from her. (see a pattern here?)

At that point I got a lawyer. Did I walk away yet? No.

In April after she had told me she was no longer going to have the guy over I drove by the house. I knew he was there. She had just gotten back from yet another trip--the family vacation that had been planned. My plan was to see if he was there and then to talk to her in person to tell her I was having the signed divorce papers sent to her to sign. Unfortunately I was too aggressive in trying to communicate with her.

So months after this incident I find out that I had three misdemeanors charged against me. Stalking, harassment, and criminal trespass for trying to get into my own house. In the end two of the charges were dropped and I ended up with the stalking charge. Again I wish I would have just left her at that point.

I finally did walk away and I have not spoken to her since April. I saw her and her kids when I was at court. She was not welcome there since she was only there to watch but she had a legal right to be there since it was a public thing. The kids should not have been there though.

Right before my last court date I lost my job. I had to move out of my apartment. I spent the next month getting back on my feet.

After I my divorce was final I met someone and started dating her. She is a lot more sane than my ex wife was or ever will be. I ended up moving in with her because of everything that was going on at the time. It was too early for me to move in but after a while we both ended up adjusting to it. Moving back out now would be damaging to the relationship not to mention pointless.

The funny thing is that I live a few miles from my ex. This would not have been my first choice.

I will always love my two step-kids... well they are not exactly step-kids anymore but they always will be to me. Unfortunately due to circumstances I am unable to communicate with them. If I could I would tell them I still care for them.

Why can't I talk to them? You see my ex has been trying to put me in jail. First she cheated on me then she tried to put me in jail. Thus, my lawyer said it was best if I move from the state I live in. I cannot have any communication with her because it puts me at risk. Furthermore, I cannot communicate with the kids either because that puts me at risk.

While it's true that I would never have any kind of relationship with my ex (I dont' associate with people who cheat, lie, and attempt to put me in jail for no good reason) I wish I could talk to the kids without risking my own personal freedom. The problems I had did not warrant such a punishment.

I have forgiven my ex's cheating. But I will never forget. I will also never forget the control she had over me for years. She is codependent. We thought I was bipolar. I am not. She was my problem my whole time.

Oh yeah. I do not have bipolar disorder. I have major depression. Go figure. Living a crazy life with a codependent made me someone I am not.

I am so much better now. Just a bit sad.

There ya go. My update if anyone who used to read this is still out there. Maybe I will post again.

By the way I am volunteering with NAMI

Hello People

2009-01-21T19:05:00.002-07:00

I'm still here somewhere in time. I don't know the last time I blogged. I haven't looked. All I know is that I am still here.

I just went through a pretty nice depression even though I've been pretty clear of it for a year! One hospital visit over a year ago. Not too bad.

What a nutcase!

Just kidding.

Go here --> http://www.nami.org

Emergency Update

2007-10-01T01:28:00.000-07:00

I spent Saturday in the ER for a suicidal episode. I have not been doing well for a while now. I am going to be getting into talk therapy because this is an issue that keeps coming back.

I know I put this blog into hiatus but that is because I was giving up on a lot of things in my life at the time. But perhaps I should start talking on it again... I don't know.

It's 2:30am and I don't feel like going to sleep. I have to go to work tomorrow.

How does one deal with the guilt of becoming violent towards himself? How do we deal with sudden uphevals? As bipolar individuals what do we do?

I've been so quiet on his blog for so long I hope someone happens on it and says something.

Oatmeal

2007-09-13T07:01:00.001-07:00

Lately life has been a bit different.

I am extremely busy at work trying to get a project done. The good thing is that I don't really take my work with me when I go home. I leave the stress there. I just don't care anymore. That place is and always has been messed up. I have my resume floating around.

My life at home has been different too. I am no longer focusing on a business or any project. I just come home eat dinner. Sometimes I manage to be productive.

I would say giving up made things a little better.

What is new

2007-09-07T06:54:00.000-07:00

I feel better after making a decision.

Crazy stuff is happening at my work. I can't really say what and keep anonymous. To me it feels like chaos and instability. Like I am on a sinking boat. Last time I felt this way I got another job and 8 months later my whole team was laid off. I missed it by months.

Also noting bad communication, disliking how the company is run, and mismanagement by my boss I feel it is time to cut and run.

I am working on a high profile project and I don't even care about it. I am going to work hard at it and get it done but I simply just don't care. I refuse to feel stress because of what is going on at work. It's just not worth it.

I tried to decide to stay but the only time I feel happy is when I am working on leaving that place.

Bipolar and Depressed

2007-08-31T07:02:00.000-07:00

It will not go away. I had a partial day off from depession. Perhaps I experienced rapid cycling. Things are not going well.

I am sad.

20 Days off

2007-08-28T07:02:00.000-07:00

Believe it or not I took 20 days off. I am starting to think those were 20 days of my life I missed.

In that time I went to my pdoc and got Lexipro. I am feeling how I did 10 years ago without medicaiton. Extremely depressed. I don't know what Lexipro is going to do. We will see.

I haven't done everything I said I was going to do but I may as well have. I spend no time on things I used to spend time on. My "business" is to me gone. I would cancel my web hosting for my other site but I am too lazy. In reality everything is the same except I no longer think about it. I don't believe in myself anymore.

I just kind of gave up on everything. Did it make me feel any better? No.

I have since decided many times to work towards feeling better only to be met at the door by extreme depression. Pain. Suffering. Misery. It's like a big scary wall.

So am I back?

I don't know. I just read a comment and felt like an update.

4 days to Hiatus

2007-08-08T12:02:00.000-07:00

Ok fine. I won't delete this blog just yet. But I am going on hiatus.

It's not like I spend a lot of time blogging anyway. But still hiatus is better than deletion because in the future I can still go back and look at my old posts.

6 Days to Deletion

2007-08-06T11:33:00.000-07:00

I cancelled my interview. I basically told them I had gotten an offer. That was the best way out. I haven't eaten and I don't really feel like it. Out of common sense I guess I will.

Bye in 6 days.

7 Days to Deletion

2007-08-05T21:11:00.000-07:00

In 7 days I am removing this blog.

I am a dismal failure at pretty much everything. I have been reading so many books, listening to all sorts of self-help audio cds, and attempting to set goals. As I have said in the past self-help is fundamentally flawed. If the self is fucked up how can it help itself? I am completely incapable of taking action which is at the center of any success program. I will never have traditional success so my definition of success from now on is just getting through the fucking day.

Therefore, in 7 days I am giving all of my books away and tossing my CD's.

I have been trying for years to put something together. To do something. I have achieved nothing. I will achieve nothing.

Therefore, in 7 days I am throwing away all notes I have made for any project or business. I am also going to close the semi-never really got there LLC business I created about 3-4 months ago. I will cancel my web hosting which I never use any way. I will let my domain name run out in January.

Originally this blog was going to be a business project and then I found it to be a great outlet personally so I tossed the business idea. Then I let family read it and I pretty much started to hold back. I stopped blogging for a while because of that. So if family reads this right now sorry to freak you out. I really doubt I will answer my phone.

I pretty much am a mess and that is never going to change. I can't take care of my back yard. I can't clean my own room. I can't take care of my own bills. I can't take care of my own cars. I can barely work. I can't do what everyone else does.

So what am I going to do instead?

Well suicide isn't an option. I spent part of my day fighting my wife over that. She wouldn't let me leave the house. I spent the day sleeping instead.

So I am basically quitting most everything. I have an interview tomorrow. I am not going. I will stay at my miserable job because to me any job would be miserable so why look for another one? More money would just mean more money to spend. I get a bonus and a raise in January anyway. I will spend my time at home doing the things I am supposed to be doing like mowing the lawn. If am not doing that I will find mindless entertainment. I guess I will buy a bunch of Playstation games.

So my life will be a lot simpler because I won't be dreaming.

I will still have the most important thing: family. I will just try my best to be some kind of family guy. But I am terrible at that.

A lot of different people have commented here before and I would like to thank you all. Sometimes it has really helped. Some commentors have come and gone. I've commented on some of your blogs. Some of your blogs have come and gone.

It's time to take this one off. Perhaps I will start another some time. You won't know it's me unless you happen to recognize my writing.

I will try to post each of the 6 days left but on Monday, August 13 2007 this blog is history.

Peace out.

Supersuckers

2007-08-05T07:01:00.000-07:00

So yesterday my family and some friends decided to go to an arts festival and then go to this other place that was having a free outdoor concert. I felt sick so I took Sudafed. Upon getting sleepy and dizzy I decided Sudafed just isn't my thing. Upon discovering they are now charging $5 a pop to get in to the festival we decided to sneak in. We went to a restaurant with access to the festival, ordered pizza, and sat down. I promptly fell asleep at the table.

An hour later no pizza. So my wife and a family friend went up to find out what's up. The guy promptly brought the wrong pizza. We complained. Then found we found out they messed up our other pizza too. The manager of that pizza hell hole decided to be a bitch about it. She said something like, "We are too busy." Hmmm too busy to tend to the customers? So we got our money back and left. We decided to contact the owner of the pizza place and tell them to fire that bitch.

I was hungry and tired and dizzy. We went to a grocery store and bought chicken. Then we headed up to the concert.

We had a nice spread. We picked a whole log bench for our concert buffet. We all ate. Then I eventually fell asleep after drinking some red wine. I woke up when the first band was over. They had been playing forever. I don't even know who they were.

I had some more red wine. Then I had a wine cooler. I decided it would be more fun to be up front in the crowd. I took our friends daughter up to the front and she danced around and gave me high-fives. It started to rain and she wanted to go back so I took her back. She wrapped herself up in a blanket.

I headed up front again. So I started doing the concert thing. You know throwing up the "rock on" up and jumping up and down. No moshing at this event I guess. Too bad. I like to mosh. Man I really got into this band. I have never even heard of them before.

I had to pee so I went off and did my thing. I grabbed another cooler walked towards the front. I guzzled the cooler and spent the remaining time being a buzzed sick concert going freak. This band was one hell of a good bar band. Some one's t-shirt said they have been around since 1988. How come I never heard of them?

Am I just not cool enough?

Anyway the show ended. I was pumped. They threw their play list into the crowd along with some picks. I got the play list. Yay.

We gathered our stuff an went home. The whole way home I tried to convince my wife that we should go find a dive bar and get drunk. The idea didn't fly so I subdued to my tired sick self and went to bed.

The moral of the story is. Don't feel sorry for yourself when you are feeling sick. Just get drunk and party instead.

Ideas

2007-08-04T11:21:00.000-07:00

So many ideas so much time. Where do I start?

Let me do a little grocery list of the past:

Nah never mind I don't feel like that.

That's how I am today. I have no desire to do anything. It's like I'm life's bitch right now. I get up to do something and I get smacked down. Sit down and shut up. Do nothing. Accomplish nothing.

Yeah I am on a break I guess. I am on hiatus.

My wife wants to do life coaching. I guess if I can't start a business then I'll start one with her. It only makes perfect sense. I just like action and I am taking none right now. So I am on here bitching about it.

That is it for today's ramble.

I am dissatisfied.

Dissatisfaction leads to action.

In my opinion.

Holy Massively Busy

2007-08-03T07:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday at work I did two days worth of work in like two hours. That was fun.

No.

At least I did it. I could still be working on it. Instead I got it done. I will have to do more work to get it up to par but that is easier than the first initial first draft type thing.

I can't wait for the weekend.

Well then

2007-08-02T07:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I felt better by the end of the day. So did my wife.

It is funny how that happens.

Today I am tired because I stayed up too late. But that is ok. It's better than being bitchy.

I am ready for the weekend. Too bad it's Thursday!

Off to work I go...

This is crap

2007-08-01T11:43:00.000-07:00

I was so stressed last night I just went to bed to make my head shut up. I just could not stop thinking about the solution to a work problem (or rather a problematic task). Yes that made my wife feel even more alone since she has already been feeling that way since I got sick then turned into an ass.

I feel kind of like it's Friday and I want the world to take a little vacation.

So much for stability.

I also feel like some of the things I try to do all the time just need to go away. It's like I am a big fat joke.

So yes I am feeling sorry for myself and don't feel like taking steps to fix it. I will have to take steps to fix it, though. So I will. Today. I hope.

I have to go. I have wandering to do. It's my lunch time.

:P

Tired Morning

2007-07-31T07:17:00.000-07:00

Well of course yesterday I stayed late at work. It's funny how that happens when I am in that mood.

Today I feel better but I am tired. I just woke up this way. The good thing is that I have applied for three jobs in the last two days. Yay.

Tonight will be a late night at work too (hopefully not too late). Plus I have a long meeting. Ugh.

Can I just go back to sleep?

Sigh

2007-07-30T11:26:00.000-07:00

Well I am tired today. We went camping over the weekend--just a quick getaway. It was nice. And exhausting.

So I am at lunch right now. Work today seems like a nuisance. I don't want to be here. I am thinking of how for a short time I did work with another side of our business and liked it better. That made me think again how I am just in the wrong place. It bores me.

What I really want is to get out of this horrid career and start my own business. If I had 5 cents every time I said that over the years I would be quite wealthy.

I just want to go home and rest.

Rapid Cycling

2007-07-26T07:04:00.000-07:00

Two days ago I think I was slightly hypo-manic. Yesterday I was agitated and slightly down. Right now I am just down. Classic symptoms of depression. Sameness of days (even though yesterday was quite different). Maybe I just think of my days as being defined as when I am at work not when I am at home.

I just wonder what the point is. I don't ever do any of the things I say I am going to do. I may as well not bother trying.

Now that was positive.

But mind you it is a feeling.

If feeling and reality were one and the same I would not have gone this far in life.

Determined

2007-07-25T07:04:00.001-07:00

Last night I went to a movie that reminded me of a particular time in my past. It was a time where I was wanting to learn and do something so badly I was willing to do anything to learn it. I stayed up all hours of the night figuring it out. I read. I practiced. I finally did achieve this task. Now I will forever have this skill.

Back to the business of me starting a business. I know that if I brought that kind of intensity and determination back I would be able to achieve difficult things. There is no question. With that state of mind I can accomplish anything.

I have been focusing too much on starting specific businesses or projects with little progress.

Instead I just need to ask the childish question "How is this done?" I also need to focus on wanting to learn what I need to learn no matter the cost. I need to feel the excitement.

So today my focus is on that.

Confused

2007-07-24T07:03:00.000-07:00

I just came off a four day weekend due to a funeral. I got sick. I even got the hives.

Now I am getting back into the groove of things and I am confused.

I spend so much time gathering information about success and self-help. I use it for myself. I want to start a business or maybe just money earning projects but I have done little. I know exactly how to start them. I know exactly what to do to make them successful but I sit on ideas like eggs. They never hatch.

It's knowing something and not doing anything about it that kills it.

So I have a website that I do no work on. I think I should lay down the law and set a time where either I have finished version #1 (or at least am making good headway) or I drop it.

The problem is that this is the pattern I always have followed. I get really deep into something and then I lose interest and quit.

How many of us are like this?

I would think a lot.

So I am confused about how I should handle this.

Do I want my dreams badly enough to fight for them? Do I really want them to come true?

Bipolar Disorder Diagnosis Blame

2007-07-10T17:47:00.000-07:00

When I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder I made the mistake of blaming all of my actions on the disorder. This meant that I behaved more badly than I did before because I had an excuse. Slowly over I time I discovered that perhaps what I was doing was wrong.

Somehow I started to understand that there are two parts to this illness. Part one is the biological. The only thing there is to do about biological chemical imbalances is to do something that evens out the imbalance. This includes exercise, eating right, and taking medication. The second part is the mental part. This is the part that creates the greatest confusion. How can you tell a feeling you are having apart from physical imbalances? Meaning how can you tell if your feeling is because of your thoughts and actions or because of a physical illness.

This is one of the questions I wanted answered when I first found out what I had.

I have greatly discovered the difference and have learned to manage the mental part to a large degree. For me the biological part is handled. Yes I get hypo-manic from time to time. Yes I get depressed from time to time. But the degree to which I handle the depression differs based on how I act and feel. I am no prisoner to my imbalance.

So my advice is discover what those differences are and act to work on the mental issues through therapy. Or if you are like me you could try cognitive self-therapy. Yes it is possible. And cheaper. Buy books. Buy (or download) self-help CD's. It works. If you apply it.

These days I am asking the question: How does a person like me become stable and consistent.

The answer is to keep working on it and believing it is possible.

Accept the imperfection and believe in the power of love.

Sticking to Things

2007-06-28T11:23:00.000-07:00

I have noticed several times in my life that I have a difficult time sticking to things in general. However, I have also accomplished some major things in my life that required sticking to it.

I have:

- graduated from college
- gotten and stayed married
- bought a house
- worked myself up to a real career

So those are major things. What about the rest?

For example, I tend not to:

- stay focused on being consistent and happy
- constistently take care of the yard
- keep certain areas in my house clean
- stick to a business idea and follow through
- stick to a budget

So maybe I only complete goals related to major things in my life. Perhaps seemingly simple things fall through the cracks in my fingers.

Why is this?

I believe that the number one most important thing for a person who suffers an illness like mine is to learn to manage their thoughts and actions.

What is success to me?

I think it should be that I am stable and consistent (stick to things). If I can do that I can do anything. Since my diagnosis I have not been stable or consistent. So this is and has been my next major life goal.

There are no shortcuts that work. I have tried skipping this goal and going to other goals. I never stick with it.

I think I just need to learn how to stick with it to be able to move on and do some amazing things.

Now that is sticky.

Where should I start?

2007-06-26T21:01:00.001-07:00

I got back from my vacation, worked a week, had a weekend, and am working another week.

How time flies!

Wouldn't you just love a picture from my vacation? Well, maybe. I tend to be horribly lazy at putting pictures on here. Gee maybe I am just too shy!

Something happened last week and this weekend. It was sad. Sorry but I can't really talk about it on here.

It finally hit me that I am wrong for the job that I am in. Or maybe the job I am in is wrong for me. For the longest time I have tried and tried and tried to make it fit but no matter how I stretch no matter how I move around it just does not fit.

I have just been so angry these past couple of days. I am finding reasons why my job doesn't work for me. All that accomplishes is a bad mood. Now I would much rather be in a good mood and thriving while being productive. So I have worked on it.

Here is the outcome:

I don't have to find any more reasons why I need to leave my job. I only need one. The place I am at not is not conducive to my productivity.

I should be learning, working, and feeling desired and needed. I don't and am not. So I am gone.

The flame has been turned on once again. My job search is on. Once that flame starts I find my new job and I go. There is no stopping me now.

When something happens at work right now I have a thick coat of Teflon on. Nothing is going to stick to me. I will just be professional and do my work. But my mind will be on my job search. If something pisses me off I will just channel it to my job search.

F the place I work at. (hmm that feels good)

What is funny is that the old place I worked at has a job opening and I would actually consider going back. The reasons I left that job are gone now.

Gotta go.

'Till later.

On Vacation

2007-06-07T06:46:00.000-07:00

I am on vacation out of the country.

See you later!

A funny thing is happening

2007-06-04T11:58:00.000-07:00

First of all I am not hypomanic. This is coming from a stable me even if it sounds otherwise.

All sorts of things are coming together for me. It's like everything my wife tells me, everything I read, and everything I listen to is hitting me. It is changing how I look at my work. It is changing how I look at my relationships. Yes my current book (The Road Less Travelled) is helping me along but it is not the primary reason.

I used to have "episodes" where I would "freak out" and do an say things I would regret later. I realize now that these things were merely a manifestation of my own dependency issues.

I used to sit at work and feel fear all day only seeing the end of the day as my salvation. Meanwhile other people at my work would do their jobs, learn things, etc. I knew that for success I would need to work harder and to learn everything I could but I still just wanted to get by. Because I was afraid.

I have been so depressed. . . I am starting to feel better by using as I call it "cognitive self-therapy with the aid of my wife"

There is more but I don't have time...

Basically how I did this was to realize that I am not dependent. If I were suddenly alone I could get myself a job. I could get myself a place to live. At that point I have everything I need in order to survive: food, water, and shelter.

My irrational fear at work should not exist. I should be focusing on the work. After all I worked so hard to get the degree I got simply because I loved what I did. What happened to that? Where did that go? It got squashed by fear. Fear sucks.

I'll post about this again when I have more time.

What is it?

2007-05-29T18:29:00.000-07:00

What is it that is on our minds?

What is on yours?

I can think of a few things. Like how can I become stable enough to do things regularly (like blog)? It's too easy to forget all the coping skills you have learned and fall into a pit of depression. When you do that forget consistency. You're too busy feeling sorry for yourself.

How about when is that next mood swing going to occur?

How about this one: Is my medication working?

How do I get around my side-effects from my anti-depressent.

I really want to know.

What do YOU think about?

New Direction

2007-05-28T11:28:00.000-07:00

I have taken this blog in another direction as of . . .

Now.

The business I set up needed more direction. I had to make a choice. I did. Based on the fact that "success" is such a broad term and quite frankly "finance" is a great topic it is lacking the sense of community I need in order to kick off my web site, I have chosen the mental health community as my main niche.

This way I can write articles. Be known. Have my expertise known. Plus I can build the website I have been setting up since December.

The reasoning is that whatever I build my site as I need to be involved enough to keep the content up to date. I need to be interested and invested. I am very invested in bipolar disorder because I have it. (Obviously considering my last post was about depression and this one has nothing to do with my mood)

In order for the site I am building to come alive I need to do work on it. So I am happy to say that I have finally, after a lot of research, picked a focus.

So this blog is now going to get more attention. It will also get a lot more thoughts and articles. I may even move it off blogger (we will see about that) on to its own domain.

If it is to be my main blog it will certainly get a custom makeover.

Out of sheer necessity I am going focus more on what I love to think about: self-improvement. Yeah I love to bitch and complain. Don't we all? But I am thinking instead of ruining my life I need to push it forward.

This means something else is going to happen. I have always consider it a risk to have my name be known. I feared employers would fire me or not hire me because of the stigma associated with bipolar disorder. If I am going to dedicate my web site about mental illness my name is going to get out there. Which means my name will be associated with this site. Maybe that is a bad idea. Maybe I would be better off using my other blog (that I never post to) for articles and whatnot. I don't know yet.

We shall see.

At any rate expect to see me visiting your blogs once again. I need to become highly involved in this community we have here.

As soon as I can I will be announcing my web site here. I have also already started designing an eBook which will subsequently be put in audio book format as the two go hand-in-hand. I will be selling the book but I will also be giving free versions to many of you.

I have to go clean the house.

Did you know my daughter is graduating high school?

Cool huh.

Broken Record

2007-05-24T11:46:00.000-07:00

I am depressed.

Is that a broken record or what? That is just about all I say these days.

I am depressed.

Do you think I could be causing the depression to continue by thinking about it?

I am depressed.

Am I getting worse? Am I on a really bad crash course?

I am depressed.

I feel like shit. My self esteem is shit.

I am depressed.

Enough said.

I am depressed.

Wed * nes * day

2007-05-23T12:08:00.000-07:00

Is it really? Could it be? I can't believe it.

It's Wednesday.

I am not feeling very profound but yesterday I was. I have been working on my depression and it has been helping to some degree. You can have an effect on mood and you can control your attitudes. I am proof of that. I made a list yesterday. The idea was simple. List out the symptoms of depression that you are having. Then write out the opposites and act on the opposites.

For example when I am depressed I am not active. So become active. I don't do anything. So I do some chores. I feel purposeless. So I find a purpose. I sleep. So I get up and move around. I fear. So I become brave. After I did everything in the list I felt a lot better. (I did manage to slip back into it though)

By counteracting depression's symptoms I counteract depression.

I completely control my actions. I control my thoughts. I influence the depression by how I act and think. You don't necessarily control depression. But you can influence it one way or another.

Don't let it be the other way. You'll just be miserable. If you let depression control your actions and thoughts you can forget about ever being happy.

'nuff said.

I don't get it

2007-05-21T07:05:00.000-07:00

Really, why can't we have two weekends in a row?

I am stressed about something related to work. Ok I admit it. I am stressed over being on call.

Yeah I am trying to rationalize it. I answered thousands of calls in a call center job I had. So why does one simple cell phone bother me so? To fix my stress I am supposed to realize this and it is supposed to make me feel better.

The problems they call with are so simple and stupid it really shouldn't bother me.

So relax. Silly.

Why can't we have two weekends?

2007-05-20T20:35:00.000-07:00

When the weekend comes to an end I always want another one. It is like eating a cookie. You can't just have one can you?

Bugs
I spent my morning on the yard. I mowed the lawn, sprayed weed killer, and sprayed the fruit trees and roses with bug killer. Now we will be able to take the roses in the house. I don't know if it is the right time for the fruit trees or not but I have enough to spray again later. We want to be able to actually eat our apples and plums.

Sad
Then I got depressed. In reality I think I got stressed over work things. Work things. I am so sick of them stressing me out. I need to rephrase that. I am so sick of getting myself stressed out over work things. So do something about it.

Better
Then we went out. We did some random things. After checking out some interior design of a house we went to burger king. Then we just ended up visiting my G-ma and G-pa's graves. Why not? We were there. Then I got my Depakote refilled. As a bonus filling only half this time only cost $20. I don't know why. My insurance is strange. If you split your prescription half don't you expect to pay half the price? For me that should be $40. But I have had the cost go from between $20 and $80 (the whole price). Is it my insurance or my pharmacist? I don't know.

Organizing
Score one or me. I put all of my loose papers in a binder with clear covering. So now I can organize the papers and read them when I want.

Drawing & Other Art
I have some interest in drawing again. Sometimes it pops back in my mind. I constantly drew when I was young. I would love to make some pieces of art (not necessarily drawing) and sell them at the farmers market we have here. People always line up just outside the official area and sell stuff. Never done it. Always wanted to. We'll see.

Game
I finished the video game Quake 4. I have always been a fan of Quake. I have own and played to the end all 4 games now. Neither Quake 2 nor Quake 4 were as good as the first one. Quake 3 was multiplayer only and in my opinion beat out all graphically and fun play online. But Quake 4 seems not to be so big online (at least not anymore). The game has been out for a while so I guess that is why. I only recently started playing it.

Vent

2007-05-17T11:29:00.000-07:00

I guess you could call this a FOAD Thursday post.

Vent 1
So I apply for a job. I get a message on my phone for an interview. I get moderately excited. Then I find out the job is too far away and the pay is dirt. So I don't call back.

So I apply for another job. I get a message on my phone for an interview. I get moderately excited. Then I find out the job is in the city where I currently work. I call and schedule the interview. They say the job is about an hour away from where I live. It turns out the job is not located where it was advertised. I'm dumb and still set up the interview knowing that I can't make it.

Number one I do not have time at my job right now to disappear for two to three hours.

Number two what the hell is with posting jobs for the wrong city. I don't want to work that far away anyway and would not take the job.

Number three why didn't I check more carefully where this company was before calling back.

Number four why didn't I not schedule the interview in the first place. I had to call back and cancel because I make things so complicated.

Vent 2
So I get to work this morning and there are two irritating things for me to do. The tasks themselves were not really irritating but my reaction to them is of irritation. One of the tasks is one of the reasons I want another job. No details. Sorry. The other just existed.

So now I am just irritated and venting.

I'm not worried about future interviews I just need to verify where a place is before I apply for the job. I won't look at what the job listing says. From now on I go by what the web site says. If it does not say on the web site I will talk to the person when I am setting up the interview, make sure I can even make it to where it is, then not bother setting up the interview if it is too far away.

FOAD to job listing hr swine that list the wrong city.

P.S. on a more positive note my resume is generating calls for interviews. That makes me happy and excited.

Happy Mother's Day!

2007-05-13T13:49:00.000-07:00

In an attempt to fully comprehend the virtual aspects of fancy language, I am writing to you in German but you do not know it because subconsciously I am really craving a cheeseburger made on my very own grill.

Hi!

I am still depressed. Can you tell?

I didn't think so.

Yesterday I was in bed writhing in my own self pity. Today I got out. I went to get bagels and coffee in the morning. The whole clan went outside in the backyard and ate. No bitch fest from me. My wife and I went through an exercise I am building for a workshop I am going to hold (I'll tell you about that in a sec). Now I am really craving a cheeseburger. Ooh I have a shake in the freezer.

The kids are in the youngest's room listening to music, laughing, and screaming. We are about to go out to dinner--in an hour. I am hoping my work doesn't call.

The workshop I am going to hold is going to be on not going overdraft on your bank account. I have a simple yet powerful exercise to do that I am hoping will help people. My plan is to hold it in local libraries. One of the biggest objectives I have is for me to get experience giving workshops and seminars. So this one will be free. There will only be about 10 people in it for the first one. I will grow it as time goes. I will also expand it. Until I am really good I won't charge because the payment will be in experience. Plus I want to get my name out there.

I could keep talking but I just need to shut up.

D E E P

2007-05-10T06:39:00.000-07:00

No way out. Too Deep.

No way in. To Sleep.

Nobody cares. A Sheep.

Three twins crosseyed

Strangely staring into nothing

Sitting, starving, crosslegged

Refuse to get up

Refuse to get out

Self pity

Depressed

Unhapy

Self

Self Discovery

2007-05-09T11:36:00.001-07:00

(make sure you read the other post from today as well I was pretty down when I wrote it)

When I make the statement "I hate my job" what am I really stating?

Here is how I am finding out:

1. I asked myself the question "what about my job is so bad?"
2. I got a list of reasons
3. I analyzed the list of reasons to find out which ones were "valid"
4. I rethink the ones that are not "valid"

Validity is based on the criteria that it is a reason that I have found to be a reasonable and non-self inflicted. It is unchangeable by just thinking about it differently.

These are my notes:

I hate my job because:

- I will be getting a responsibility I do not want
- I do not like the management (the manager is fine, the management is not)
- I do not like the workplace culture
- I do not like the workplace environment
- I do not like some of the people I work with
- I do not like surprises that keep me there late or that send me on an unexpected trip
- I do not like what I do

These are unchangeable:

- I will be getting a responsibility I do not want
- I do not like the management (the manager is fine, the management is not)
- I do not like the workplace culture
- I do not like the workplace environment
- I do not like surprises that keep me there late or that send me on an unexpected trip

These are changeable:

- I do not like some of the people I work with
- I do not like what I do

So not liking a job is not reasonable when it is because I don't like some people or that I do not like what I do.

I can change those things by warming up to those I do not like. I could also find some kind of enjoyment in what I do. I know that this is possible because if Victor Frankl can find some purpose while surviving a Nazi death camp I can find purpose in what I do. I can likely change that purpose into enjoyment.

In defense of the things I do not think I can change:

I do not have a choice in the responsibility. If I don't want it I need another job.

The management is not going to change as long as the manager is there. I am never going to like the style. I cannot change it if I talked to the manager about it. It's not even necessarily the manager's fault.

I cannot change the workplace culture. It is what it is. I do not like it and will never.

I can't change where we work. I do not like it and they are not going to change it even if I asked.

Finally, you can never predict what a client is going to demand. If we could there would be no surprises and we would have already been prepared.

'Nuff said.

Acting The Same

2007-05-09T06:34:00.000-07:00

I tried acting differently (making my days a bit different for those of you who haven't read my blog). Yesterday evening I acted the same. What was better?

Last night I was in a really depressed state. Any time my work decides to dump 8 hours of work on me at quitting time I get very upset. It just plain pisses me off. I don't mind scheduled work that I know will take more work hours than there are in one day. I do mind sudden things like this. Hell I quit my last job over this. But it was 10 times as severe.

It makes me feel a lack of freedom. And when I already hate where I am and have a hair out the door it makes me feel like opening the door and just running out.

So my feeling towards my work plus depression caused me to want to sleep. So I went to sleep early last night. I feel like this crap just continues so what is the point. The weeks go by. It's the same thing over and over only it gets worse and worse.

Would changing jobs really help me? Honestly I don't think so. Maybe if I found my dream job--in this field. I don't believe my dream job is out there. Or if it is I would have to take a pay cut to get it.

I face it every day. I hate what I do.

Being an entrepreneur I see that there are other options and that just hurts me more because I tease myself into thinking I can have those options when I really can't. I can't because I am always choosing depression over anything else. As long as I do that I am going to be stuck.

So what is better acting the same or doing something different. I must stand up on my chair and proclaim that doing something different is a lot better.

When you are depressed make your days different. You won't feel like such a robot.

So where do I stand? I am stressed out about today. I am not taking the bus like I wanted to because I don't want to have to have someone pick me up at the train station. My bus does not run late so when I am late coming home I have to get a ride which defeats the whole purpose of taking the bus. So I won't be taking the bus even though it would save me a lot of money due to high gas prices. That, to me, feels like my work is piercing my skin with little hooks that invade my personal life.

To me work and personal lives do not mix. In the modern world you are expected to give up personal time to work. In fact if you want to advance in this world you need to give up personal time. I am fine with that if I believe in what I do but I don't. I hate what we do at my job. I think it is crap. I want out. Did you know that I secretly want to get fired right now. I know that sounds scary but that's a feeling I have. My wife won't like it when she reads that. But it's just a feeling. I'm not going to act on it so don't worry. My way of acting on that feeling is by looking for another job.

I have to go now.

I was going to leave 30 minutes ago but I had to get this out.

Bye

Acting Differently

2007-05-08T06:11:00.000-07:00

Although I have underlying depression I am acting differently. For example yesterday when I went to lunch I chose a different restaurant. I went to the gym after work. I watched the NBA playoffs. I have not watched a full basketball game in years. Today I am taking the bus to work so I can read.

Is this because I am feeling better? No.

I know that I can still control my actions when I am depressed. So I am picking some different ones. I can also choose what I think about. So yesterday I focused on the fact that I will be getting a new job.

The only backfire was that I never completed my job search. I will attempt to do so at lunch today.

Gotta go catch a bus.

P.S.

I did apply for jobs over lunch. There is still more to do but at least I did it. I am also choosing to look forward to the bus ride home. I enjoy reading on the bus and not having to drive home. Traffic sucks. I would take public transportation over driving any day.

Ongoing Depression

2007-05-07T06:54:00.000-07:00

Depression continues to exist but it does not continue to be such a problem. I've been around (socially) a bit more even though last night I was having difficulties getting out of bed to do simple tasks. You know you are depressed when a pile of clothes on your floor seem overwhemling. All I was doing was picking them up and sorting them for someone else to do my laundry.

Eh.

What can you do.

Grrr

2007-05-04T11:57:00.000-07:00

Grr.

Work and Bipolar

2007-05-03T06:15:00.000-07:00

While I am at it. Let's talk about work. Again. My favorite bitch topic.

Let me put it all on the table. I hate my job. I almost hate my career, but then I do the stuff on my own and I actually like it.

What exactly about my job do I hate?

The people and their negative attitudes. They bring me down even when they aren't talking to or about me.

The Macro-management of my boss. Why work when you have nothing to do, your boss knows it (because you have told him) but is too busy to give you any work? It's not that there is not enough work to go around there is more than plenty.

No perks. In my last job we went to the amusement park. Sometimes we all got sent home early. We did things on Halloween. In this job we do nothing ever. It's a lifeless environment. I don't feel rewarded or like we get breaks. It's just kinda pointless.

Unorganized "stuff." It's a lot like choas and it is annoying. You will always have this but it can be done so much better.

Sudden changes that need to be made the day-of rather than earlier in the week when you were sitting on your ass needing something to do.

So why did I mention bipolar?

These are the things that get me depressed.

Gotta go.

Bipolar AND Money

2007-05-02T07:04:00.000-07:00

Do they mix?

Certainly not when you have not found the right mix of medication. Even then it can be extremely difficult. It is near impossible to understand the truth about your finances when you feel like the world is perfect emotionally; when you are on that high nothing is wrong. Deny all you want but the debt does not lie.

Here is my story in short.

When I graduated college I managed to not have any bills. I did this by living at home, having no job, and being old enough to be considered "poor" because the government could not consider my parent's in come. So I got pell grants and used those to pay for college.

[On an unrelated side-note I got through 4 years of college without repeating a single class and I was receiving no treatment - previously I was a complete mess and should have been institutionalized but somehow I got through this 4 years like I was not bipolar]

Near the end of college I found my wife to be. We dated. I graduated and eventually moved in with her.

From here it's all down hill financially. Like many I had gotten a small hand full of credit cards in college. You know those offers they put out where you get a bag of candy if you apply for card. I was having a impossible time working so we used credit cards. Finally I got a job and asked her to marry me. We put the wedding on the cards. We put the honeymoon on the cards.

Being kicked out of the house we were renting and rolling one car later . . .

. . . Fast forward a few years. We put the cards on a financial counseling through a reputable company. This particular one was shut down due to mismanagement. I was screwed. So I thought. I waited for a while. Then we put the cards on another plan which I still use faithfully today.

Well I never realized until later there was one more card. Plus there was one that refused to go through my consumer credit counseling service - thus they will not be paid YET. Then we had an account at a bank where you can have a credit card to back you up -- overdraft protection. We maxed that out fast. Eventually we realized that bank was ripping us off big time. We changed to a credit union. I now had a third credit card to pay off.

With a lot of inconsistency that last card is still not being paid off. I tried to here and there but it was pretty useless. It went to creditors a long time ago. I got a letter at some point and decided to send them $100 I have not heard from them since. I lost their contact info. I have no interest in finding them at the moment. I have enough to deal with.

Then I decided I wanted to switch my career to graphics design. I got some student loans and went to a second (or maybe third) rate Jr. college. I really enjoyed it however I was not putting in the kind of effort I would expect if I were to really go into it. So for the first time in my life I dropped out. It was a very smart decision because I should not have been there.

In retrospect I regret going but I also got some good knowledge. Perhaps in the future I will take some classes to complete some of my training. I really do enjoy graphic design even though I get frustrated.

Fast forward again

After not paying the student loan I finally defaulted. This prompted me to finally talk to them and I set up a plan where I pay $122 a month. After enough months of paying on time I will move out of the defaulted state. This is because I moved fast.

Also I finally got subpoenaed for not paying my mental hospital bill. Again I took this seriously jumped the hoops and I pay $50 a month. I want to increase this to $100 a month in July or sooner because I just want the damn thing paid off. Financially it in my better interest to focus on something with higher interest but emotionally it's not.

So now I discover the best way to handle this situation:

The order you should pay things off when you are in trouble:

1. House, Car, and other necessities
2. Government (IRS, Student Loans)
3. Credit Cards and everything else

Since a credit card is an unsecured loan not paying it off only affects credit. They can't come repossess something or foreclose. Third party bill collectors cannot garnish wages or anything like that and they have rules about harassing you.

So as it stands we take care of #1 faithfully. We can afford to pay these things. I am doing #2 faithfully -- my wife has a student loan that needs to be paid on. #3 one half of my credit cards are being paid off. I cannot afford to pay off the rest of my cards until I pay off the current ones.

What I have learned through all of this is that communication with creditors is paramount. Make sure debt in areas 1 and 2 is covered and when you cannot pay--pick up the phone and talk to them about it. Credit cards are credit cards. They are in a dirty business. Pay those of faithfully but at the same time they are low on the totem pole. If you cannot pay you cannot pay and of all the consequences they have the least. Bad credit is better than a foreclosure, repossession, judgement, garnished wages, etc.

That was a mouthful.

Let's talk bills

2007-05-01T07:09:00.000-07:00

The problem:
My bills were lopsided and we risk being overdrawn because we overspend in the second half. I took a look at them and we were paying more in the second half of the month. It just so happens that we pay our mortgage in the second half. Why? Good question. The answer: we just do it since it is easier right now. Oh, and plus we can. The bad thing is we were paying some expensive bills then too. We had extra in the first half left over. With the wrong thinking we could be and probably are overspending in the first half.

Sometime we are going to switch to making bi-monthly payments. But that requires: Paying our mortgage in the first week of the month and then making a half payment in the second half to start off our payments.

The benefit: we pay an extra week a year on our mortgage.

Back to the lopsided bills.

Here is what I did last night:

One. I discovered all of our fixed bills. The ones that are there every month that we have agreed to pay.

Two. I wrote down all of these bills and the amounts in a spreadsheet. I found out we do have enough each month to cover these expenses. Plus some.

Three. I looked up all of the due dates. If the due date fell in the first half of the month I wrote a 1 next to it; otherwise, I wrote a 2 next to the bill.

Four. I separated the bills out by which half of the month they were due. I got a total by each half and discovered the lopsidedness.

Five. I decided to fix the problem. I took several bills due in the second half of the month and decided to pay them now. I paid what I could online. We are calling about a few to see if we can change when they get automatically deducted.

Finally I have a general idea of how much we have a week to spend. If I sit down and budget that then there should be no problems.

I am going to figure out how to keep track of our money that goes to variable expenses.

I used to use Microsoft Word the problem is that the program is too complex. I can't really do what I want in it. Maybe it's this new version I have. It seems bloated. Maybe I should try its competitor, Quicken.

Meanwhile I am building my own money tracking application. It will be on the web and it will be based off of what I do--when what I am doing works.

Gotta go earn some money.

Well that didn't work

2007-04-26T11:18:00.000-07:00

I took a break but I spent the evening working on the web site. I barely did a job search. Duh.

Last night I was supposed to go for a walk and take a shower to help lift my mood. I went to sleep instead. Typical.

On a more positive note I got my days off for my vacation in a far away island with blue warm water. I guess that gives me something to look forward to. I had not asked for the time off yet because I do not believe that I would be at the current job long enough to have to ask. Well there is still plenty of time for me to get a new job. So I guess asking for time off won't jinx it.

As a condition of accepting any new job offers those days off much be honored. If they can't be then I will just have to not accept the job.

So why am I talking about all of this for?

I don't know. This is boring.

I am going to go walk around. It's my lunch hour.

Taking a Depression Break

2007-04-25T11:30:00.000-07:00

I'm taking a break from everything I am doing (not including blogging) to be depressed.

Yeah I know it sounds silly doesn't it?

The one thing I believe about being bipolar is this: You can't control how you will feel directly. You can, however, choose what you think and how you behave. This disease does not control you like a puppet. (I hope that clarifies a bit, Sarah).

So I am choosing to think that I am depressed (because I feel like I am) and I am choosing to basically do nothing about it. Let it pass. Ride it out. It's a wave.

---

Yesterday I woke up and I felt down. At lunch time I felt a lot more upbeat. I don't really know what my mood was in the evening. I was busy just existing. (not to mention I spent a lot of time playing video games--probably an escape)

Yesterday I consciously chose to take a break from the "success" things I think about so much. I don't think I really have been feeling like it. I've been forcing it on myself. Maybe. I'm not going to listen to CD's and I'm not reading anything. I am also not thinking about it. I just don't want to.

Last night I was down again. This morning I was really down. Right now I am "just existing" again. I do have symptoms of depression like thoughts of purposelessness and sameness. I wonder why I keep living the same weeks over and over again.

I have mild dread for my future at work. The problem is that there aren't many jobs to apply for. I could try out recruiters again but they always take jobs you apply for and switch them around. I just want to tell them, "look, I applied for this job online and that is all I want to apply for--nothing else. No contract work. No contract-to-hire. NO NO NO!"

So what does tonight hold?

Who cares. . .

Rant

2007-04-23T12:14:00.000-07:00

Ok so once again I fall prey to fees. If I added up all the fees I get in a year I would have enough money for a nice little mini-vacation somewhere.

Yes it is my fault. I was not watching the finances close enough. Whenever I do that my budget and my finances go "BOOM!"

The dumb part is maybe if I would have gone into the bank earlier this morning I might have been able to avoid them. I thought a lunch time deposit was good enough.

Nope.

So should I go feel sorry for myself? NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!

Instead I need to keep doing what I have been doing which is continuing my endeavors to get myself into the place I want to be:

- Emotionally, spiritually, and physically THRIVING
- Financially INDEPENDENT
- Grateful and thankful for what I do have
- Stuff like that

So that's what I will do for the rest of the day

Plus I will be working on my thoughts. They have to stay positive if I am going to fix this.

All I have to do to stop fees is: WATCH MY DAMN ONLINE STATEMENTS AND USE MICROSOFT MONEY. Google calendar helps too. You can know when something is due.

Plus I am building a tool on my web site for tracking bills... that should help a lot. I'll let you all know when it is done. I am trying for two weeks for a section of my web site to be done enough to be used. I will call it an alpha version...

Budgeting - I have done it before. I just have to do it. It's not hard at all.

Gotta Go

Hidden Secrets

2007-04-20T11:53:00.000-07:00

I have discovered, or maybe rediscovered, that I most certainly have no idea what is going on inside of me emotionally sometimes. I am going to be quite open and frank about my thoughts because this is a self-counseling session. I just prevented a 'panic' type attack I get in this situation.

Here is the situation:

My role at my job will be changing. Following a long pattern that goes back to 1992-1993 I do not want this role, I do not like the tasks involved, and deep inside somewhere it must scare me even if I don't know it. Although I have learned to embrace change I know that if I do not want the change and do not see the value in it, I still have problems with it.

The tasks I am taking for this role are familiar. I already know I would not want to do it full time. I have done this stuff on and off for a while now. That is how I know I do not like doing it. It's like getting a new job only I would not accept this job. In fact I would skip over it in job postings.

I also feel shitty because everyone else is moving on to something 'new' while I am going to take on this task. Yes I would much rather take on the 'new' stuff. I would rather create. Is this because I am the most qualified to take on this role? Probably. But my thoughts are on low-self esteem mode and I feel like I am stuck in this role because I suck at what I do. Which is probably not really true. Is sure as hell shouldn't be.

So why can't I just say 'no' to the new role? I haven't even been asked if I want the role. I've just been informed by a coworker that I will have it. I know that it is real because this is how it is at my work. No my boss has not even mentioned it to me. Will my boss ever? Probably not until I already have it.

Basically I do not like feeling a lack of control or choice. I embrace freedom which is why I want my own business so badly.

Another issue is that if I am going to take this role I want a raise. However, I will not ask for one because there has already been someone who got fired during the 'asking for a raise' process. I already got a raise in January will be an excuse I will hear also. The trick is at this place is to get yourself another job and leave. Forget asking for a raise--you get one a year.

So given all of that even before I knew I was taking this role on I knew I was going to be doing a job search. However, I have been slow at it. At first I wanted the new year to come. Then I wanted my anniversary of being hired to come. Now that I am facing this new role I just want out more. I am going to be needing the extra money.

I have looked but not enough. One thing eating at me right now is that I am not looking. I am not interviewing. I have no prospects and yet staying at this job is becoming more and more painful. Especially when the coworker says something similar to: "You know your life is going to become hell don't you? But it will be good because of x."

So with that background this is what I realized today:

1. I fear the new role
2. I fear things related to the role
3. I am angry I am going to have the role
4. Having the role and being in this situation makes me want to quit
5. I am upset because I am not looking for a job enough
6. I am depressed because of the fear, lack of control, and low-self esteem

What stopped me from freaking out?

The pattern has been that I hit a boiling point. I am always driving in my car when this happens always on my way to or from work. I start to cry and freak out. Then I decide that I just can't go back to work. It is too painful. That is when I find a way. Once I just flat out quit the job right then. The next time I became suicidal--left work early and went to the hospital. This time???

Empowerment is what stopped me from freaking out. The questions:

Q. What can I learn from this?
A. I have been depressed because of fear of the new role most likely. Plus my lack of self-esteem has not helped either. (This explains a lot)

Q. What is good about this?
A. It will motivate me to finally do a proper search

Q. What is funny about this?
A. I will get the new role, then I will turn around and get another job. I think it is funny because they probably will not expect it.

The facts

I will not be staying. That was already planned. I will not communicate my dislike of the role to my boss. Why bother if I am not staying anyway. Even if they changed who got the role I would not stay. This job was a stepping-stone chance to get into a field that would keep me current. I am there and I am worth more now.

I want to start my own business. My long term goal has already been to get one more job--one that I like--and then move on to my business.

So there you have it. That is why I have been severely depressed for the past while.

What I am going to do about it

I need to ask myself some quality questions about where I am who I am and what I am doing. What am I learning from this? What am I getting from this? What is funny about this? What is good about this?

I am going to be finally hitting the job search hard this weekend. Especially Sunday. I will talk to recruiters next week. I need to feel that I am moving forward. I hate recruiters but if I am going to find a good job I need to explore every choice. I also need to brush up on some things. If I do that my self-esteem will grow. I won't feel inadequate.

Finally I will continue to put my business together. As slow as it is I am making progress.

Gotta go.

Thanks for the free session.

Depressed

2007-04-18T07:00:00.000-07:00

I'm going deeper in a hole. I don't have a lot of desire right now. A symptom of depression is a lack of interest in things you would normally be doing. Like a hobby or for me starting a business. I am accomplishing nothing right now.

Last night I couldn't figure out what to do. I couldn't stand the TV. So I went to sleep on the couch in the living room away from it. I suppose I also got tired of being an asshole. I just don't feel a lot like communicating.

At least at work I have something to do. But I will finish it today. Tomorrow I will be bored. Maybe.

I don't even have enough energy or desire to finish this post

Weekend to Work Week Transition

2007-04-09T11:53:00.000-07:00

UGH.

I had a really nice weekend. I was productive, active, involved, and in a good mood. Now it is the work week. Oh man what contrast this is. I am fighting off negative thoughts.

Also I am in a weird mental state. I am a little anxious. I am a little "edgy." I am a little "just wanting to go home."

As I write this I am finding it difficult to reach for words and sentences. Usually when I write I flow because whatever I am writing comes straight from my head.

I feel like I am in left field.

I am still ok though. My mood is good. I think I am probably having some brain chemical issues. I still have a big ass goal I am working towards and that goal is helping me stay level.

Anyway, I am going to go eat my lunch now.

Thoughts About Anger

2007-04-04T20:01:00.000-07:00

Different things can trigger me to become angry or depressed. We all fear the loss of our relationships. Some of us handle it better. I just happen to get angry. It doesn't even matter if the loss is real or not. It's the fear that counts.

I have a hair-trigger sometimes. Any time I push my wife away from me I become angry. Usually I do things I regret. Then I do something called "picking up the pieces."

Can you stop a fit of rage from happening while it is happening? It would be lovely to realize you are in such a state and decide to go for a walk instead. But usually reasoning has left the building with Elvis.

Ride the wave out of the anger... I've done that quite a bit. It would be nice if there was a pattern interrupt there to snap me out of it when it happens. Like, for example, if my wife handed me a lollipop and a balloon and told me I was acting like a baby as she walks out of the room. All kidding aside that could be enough of a surprise to snap me out of it.

I was thinking today of the "scripts" you follow when you hit a trigger.

How can you stop them?

The choices are (from worst to best):

1. Don't even try. Just pick up the pieces when it is all over.
2. Stop in the middle of the "episode" and fix it
3. Recognizing the "episode" is coming and prevent it
4. Not have a pattern in the first place.

So anyway. I'm battling with some depression. I had a great weekend with a ton of exercise and then C R A S H. Off I went into the land of darkness. I'm a lot better there but not all of the way out. I'm acting better. I'm feeling better. It's just that the depression still exists.

Did you hear about the study that depression meds don't help bipolar sufferers for treating depression? (I haven't heard anything about anxiety).

Anyway those are my raw thoughts take them as you will

This is getting old

2007-03-26T11:42:00.000-07:00

LOL at me. Read my posts. Then figure why I had an episode on Saturday. I chose it. I chose to be an asshole. A real asshole. I should win asshole of the year. The rest of the weekend was in the dump. I chose to sleep most of Sunday because I was just done with the weekend.

I am scary.

Yeah these things aren't supposed to happen anymore. They do.

Here is why:

I still have some underlying problem with anger. I don't think I know when I am experiencing it and thus I cannot express it or diminish it at the proper time. This is a chewed up quote from somebody: It's easy to be angry. It's difficult to be angry at the right thing at the right place at the right time.

So things are in pieces again. I will pick them up again. But this time if I am going to succeed if I am going to get anywhere I absolutely have to fix the issue.

I'm the one studying Emotional Intelligence. I should be able to figure out what is wrong and fix it.

However, I have one piece of knowledge that is extremely valuable: Self-help is fundamentally flawed. How can you help yourself if you are the one that is fucked up?

Back to healing...

The Choice of Success

2007-03-21T11:23:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to give an update on the business I am starting... We have registered the business as a legal entity! This means we basically "have" a legit business. I haven't been working on the web site itself because my energy has been focused on research. That is about to change. I will be give the site a facelift soon. I will also start marketing the site and my services (which you will learn more about later) very soon. I will post the info when it comes.

Other than that I have been exercising regularly. I have no depression and no anxiety. Nothing to complain about! I am down to two medications. I would like to get to the point where I am no longer taking anti-anxiety medication. I only want my mood stabalizer.

I truely feel I can control the rest. I do not suffer from depression. I do not suffer anxiety. I do not suffer because I chose not to.

The Secret

2007-03-12T11:30:00.000-07:00

I have a new toy. It is called The Law of Attraction.

Which is:

With gratitude ask for something you want
Believe that you will get it by visualizing it with feeling
Receive and be thankful

Ask and ye shall receive.

After watching the movie The Secret and listening to 3/4 of the book I am liking what I am hearing. Basically it puts all self-help things I have read together into a nice little package. Although this technique is more or less New Age I do not mind. If nothing else the teaching show that positive thinking is extremely powerful.

Let's take Anthony Robbin's 10 day challenge where you are supposed to keep your thoughts positive and to keep yourself empowered. When I was trying that out I felt better than I have in years. I stopped trying when I switched medication. Then things went to hell.

Well here I am listening to the message in The Secret and discovering that I am once again close to feeling that good again. Things are coming together again.

And I am on no anti-depressant. I do not need that kind of medication. Instead I need a healthy body, a healthy mind, and a healthy spirit. I am starting to exercise which will be enough by itself to keep me healthy in every aspect.

I feel good.

Depression Happens

2007-03-08T12:18:00.000-07:00

Yeah my moods have sucked lately. It's like being tied to a rope. You try to escape but you are pulled right back into despair. Some of my actions have been negative but the good news is I know I have choice. The degree to which I act out has reduced significantly since the time all of this first started.

That being said...

I am still not going on meds yet.

I am getting a gym membership and I am finding a way to get myself there as much as possible. This will reduce stress and will reduce my depression. I am also going to be changing my eating habits. I want to consume less sugar and caffeine.

If this does not work I will go back on meds.

For now I am taking: Depakote and Klonopin (generic)
I quit taking: Welbutrin (which gave me anxiety)
I tried but had to quit (one after another): Celexa and Cymbalta
I have this available: Lexipro

My ultimate goal is to push how far a person with bipolar disorder can stabalize himself (or herself).

If I can do it, then you can too.

Dispute that!

Meds and Money

2007-03-02T03:28:00.000-07:00

Meds
I am off antidepressants for now. My Dr. gave me a start up sample of Lexipro (or something) and told me to wait another week. If I crash I should start taking them and call him.

I am feeling almost as good as I did right before I had to go off Celexa. That was good stuff. But the side-effect killed it. If I continue to feel this good then I don't need antidepressants.

I am going to be trying diet and exercise as a management for anxiety and depression.

By the way it is 3:30 am and I am up because I fell asleep at about 7:30pm tonight. I am having some sleep pattern issues. I think the key is no more doing things in the bedroom involving books, computers, and television. I'll just fall asleep. I will read somewhere else. I will watch TV downstairs (a bit cold though), and get on the desktop to use the Internet. My laptop is old and slow anyway.

I am happier when I am productive which is why I am up. I just paid some bills and budgeted.

Money
Not to put a damper on anything but here is what happens when you are not actively watching the money:

$60 in overdraft fees
$x in other annoying fees that can be avoided
$100 something for being late on a bill

Where does our money go? A lot of it goes to avoidable fees. Right there is at least $160 in money that I could have saved or invested in some manner.

P.S.

I am actively seeking research on bipolar disorder and Emotional Intelligence. Daniel Goleman mentions some things about depression and bipolar disorder in his book Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ but not quite what we are looking for. I will be digging more. When I find it I will post it on my website and provide a link and talk about it on here.

To me clearly the two concepts (bipolar and EQ) go hand-in-hand. If you can know how you feel right now and if you have the tools to manage your emotions right now you will benefit. Bipolar or not.

Now it may be that medication is required as part of this for bipolar disorder. Without medication it can be nearly impossible to manage your moods intelligently because you are off on a tangent--like on a manic shopping spree. You don't want to help yourself because you are so damn happy buying crap. I know how it is and I know the difference mood stabilizers make.

Think of it this way: the intensity of erratic moods decreases with medication that is working. Once you have your mood within the range of "normal" or "functional" that is when you have control . . . and choice.

A sign of a high emotional intelligence is that your mood never goes to the extremes for long periods of time. It's fine to feel something; it's fine to feel something intensely; but, it is best not to have an extreme mood for a long period of time. Managing this used to be considered a virtue. Where did that go? The idea has been around (at least) since the time of Plato.

So my bouts with "episodes" where I would freak out for hours shows that I was an emotional dummy. Or that I wasn't on the right meds. Or both. Probably both. (ok I'm starting to ramble)

More Later.

Lame

2007-02-26T12:43:00.001-07:00

I was sick with the flu last week. Weds-Fri. Lame.

Friday night I went out with some friends I rarely see. One of them is getting married so even though I wasn't up to par I went out anyway. So it was a kind of a bachelor party you could say. Have dinner; catch up on old times; go out to the strip club kind of a thing.

My wife and I were supposed to have a romantic night away Saturday night. It pretty much turned into "me in pain" instead. Yeah I have hemorrhoids from being sick. I'm sure you want to know all about that! We did have a few drinks and I pretty much got drunk. That was fun. The pain later wasn't.

Sunday I was in the land of the depressed. I slept all day and all night. If I could have I would have kept sleeping today. Luckily I am responsible and went to work.

The fault is that I ditched my antidepressants because they were not helping and were making me sleep all the time (kinda like narcolepsy). So I am on the f-all antidepressant bandwagon right now. I have an appt on Weds to talk to my Dr.

Basically I am going to tell my Dr. that I don't want to take antidepressants. They either make me unable to perform as a man (nudge nudge wink wink know what I mean?) or they cause other icky side-effects like anxiety or they just plain don't work.

I'm sticking to my Depakote and my Klonipin.

Dang. Time to go apply my cream to my ass.

Gotta Go.

Emotional Intelligence

2007-02-20T08:03:00.000-07:00

The key to managing bipolar disorder is found within the concept of emotional intelligence. Otherwise known as EI or EQ for emotional quotient (like IQ). In some situations EQ is more important than IQ. In fact studies have shown that leaders in organizations generally have lower IQ's but higher EQ's than the people that work for them--the ones that actually do the work.

So why do I think obtaining a higher emotional intelligence is a key to managing bipolar disorder?

Here are some elements of EI:

1. Understanding and knowing your own emotions
2. Understanding and knowing the emotions of others
3. Managing your own emotions
4. Using this knowledge to bettter relationships

Put these all together and think about an episode or issue you have had recently? How could improving one of these areas help?

Gotta Go

Happy Valentine's Day

2007-02-14T07:49:00.000-07:00

Even with emotional problems it is possible to function normally. I've been depressed and extremely anxious for days. I am still going to work and completing tasks. In the past I would freak out and have panic attacks and not be able to work.

I have noticed a huge difference between the medication that was working but had a deal breaking side-effect and the medication that does not seem to be dong anything for me. The difference is night and day. From self-confidence and ambition to low self-esteem and almost giving up.

I am currently studying how to separate mood, thoughts, and action. It is a difficult task to pull yourself away from old habits of thinking negative thoughts when you feel depressed and anxious. I am learning that a lot of this has to do with emotional intelligence. Since I believe that intelligence can be increased I am learning to do just that.

Studies have shown that children who demonstrate higher emotinoal intelligence early on do better on SAT's. That makes sense to me because they have the knowledge of how to cope....

Gotta go... more later

The D Word

2007-02-12T08:05:00.000-07:00

D is for Depression

Nothing good has come out of my mood since changing medication. The side-effects are better but the mood is not. Where did my positivity go? Why could I handle Sunday night before I changed medication?

Bill Fitzpatrick said something like, "Make today special. Do something different."

I am flat. I was watching a movie last night. My wife was laughing at the funny parts and I felt nothing. Then I was stressed and sad because it was Sunday night. I don't know that I could make today different.

It feels like the weeks are the same. It's my birthday soon and I don't care. Why is that special?

And yet I still work on my web site. If I can make that mood independent then I know that site will exist and people will visit it because I will finish it. That would be a first.

Wow I have one positive thing to say.

Maybe two: If I can manage to fix my mood by changing how I think then my life will have improved. I will have validated my theory that a part of my site will be based on.

Gotta go

Friday Fun Day

2007-02-09T07:55:00.000-07:00

My mantra seems to be, "I don't want to go to work today."

Donald Trump says if you don't love what you do, then fire yourself and go find something you love to do. That makes a lot of sense to me. But I am not ready to make such a leap of faith. I like owning a house! Maybe if I don't take it so literally. Maybe if I found something I loved to do and then fired myself then I would be doing something sensible.

Whatever.

We are going to see Ivanka Trump at an all day seminar for free. It seems everone in this city got an invitiation. That's cool. I want to go just because I am interested in real estate.

It seems that the last few weekends have not met my expectations. I am going to make an effort to have this weekend count. What does this mean? Well, I have things that need to get done and things that I have a burning desire to do. I also need to work on my resume to keep it up to date. That is always a good idea. No?

Gotta Go

Lame

2007-02-08T08:02:00.000-07:00

Being that it is FOAD Thursday. I just wanted to say FOAD to falling asleep just after getting home from work and getting up 12 hours later.

Lame.

I got nothing done yesterday at home because I was asleep. We only have so much time. Why waste it?

Damn that is depressing.

Now I have to go work.

Damn that is depressing.

Leveling Off?

2007-02-07T07:48:00.000-07:00

There are signs that I am leveling off. I felt better yesterday afternoon. I feel ok this morning(only a bit of nausia). I have no mania no depression that I can tell.

It is sad how little time I have spent blogging lately. I managed to read 1 blog yesterday and that is the first in quite a while. I think right now I continue to blog to keep it up so I do not totally lose interest. I am busy but not that busy that I am unable to get on here.

I am still working on my website. I am back to research. I was having difficulty because I have not done nearly enough yet. I know that to be successful I need to research but I wanted to get something out to satisfy my needs. I couldn't even do that. I am too much of a perfectionist.

I can work on the tools my site will have without much research because those are all being innovated by my creativity and ideas. I have already done the research for those. It is the rest. The writing and the layout that are bothering me.

In order to do this site I must take on a ton of roles: web developer, web designer, writer, graphic designer, researcher, marketer, decision maker, etc.

It is a difficult task to try to do all of it at once. So I do what I feel like at the time. Is it getting me somewher? I think so. Fast enough? Not sure.

Later...

Ugh

2007-02-06T08:12:00.000-07:00

After I wrote yesterday's blog I got really sick to my stomach. I mean REALLY sick. So sick I sent a note off to work and went to lay down. I woke up later feeling just as sick.

I ended up just deciding to go off to work. I didn't want to use any time off for this. Today I am a lot better. I am just tired. I won't be lying down though. I am off to work in a few.

On a side-note: I am on a rollercoaster with this med. It is triggering highs and lows. It's not that bad though. We'll see. I am going to give these pills a chance.

Transition

2007-02-05T07:41:00.000-07:00

I am transitioning to Cymbalta. I was depressed over the weekend with a few spurts of mania. Nice. This one may take me for a ride. That's the problem with these kinds of anti-depressents. They can cause rapid cycling. We'll see.

The first time I took it, I took it in the morning. That was a mistake. The number one side-effect is nausia (for the first two weeks). Another side-effect is sleepiness. So I was sick to my stomach and sleeping all day.

So I switched to nighttime. I didn't notice any nausia; however, I woke up at 5am completely manic. 30 minutes later I was back to sleep.

Now that it is morning I feel slight nausia.

No sign of the Celexa-killing side-effect.

Dr's Appt

2007-02-01T08:07:00.000-07:00

I've been so cranky, irritable, and depressed since cutting my Celexa. The side-effect has been minimized. But it does not seem fair to have a choice of feeling good but having a side-effect, or feeling bad and not having the side-effect.

That's why I have an appointment. Friday.

I am still working on my web site. Slowly. I realize that you can't get anything done if you don't have a plan so I have been doing some planning while building some tools. It's is working in parallel that will speed this project up.

For example, I am still researching content, outlining, etc. but at the same time I know what tools I want to build. So I am building them at the same time.

I am watching less TV so I can spend maybe an hour or so a night on this. I am working for a few hours on the weekends. I figure if I am efficient and do things right I can get it done in a reasonable amount of time like this.

It's all about planning first.

Sundance (again)

2007-01-26T07:46:00.000-07:00

My wife saw: Stephen Spielberg, Kate Capshaw (his wife), Danny DeVito, Rhea Perlman, and Gwyneth Paltrow while waiting in line to see the movie we saw last night.

How unfair is that? I wasn't there yet!

Oh well I got to see Jared Leto. He played Mark David Chapman in Chapter 27--a movie about the murder of John Lennon. Jared Leto had to gain 70 or so pounds for the part.

Not only is he a fantastic actor but (if you do not know) he is the singer for the band 30 Seconds to Mars. My daughter got her picture taken with him. We got seats close to the stage where the Q&A went on. That was nice.

What Day is This?

2007-01-25T12:37:00.000-07:00

Being sick. Waiting in lines for hours. Yeah. I am having an unusual week.

We saw a good movie last night: Grace is Gone. It got picked up so it will be in theaters sometime. It has John Cusack (sp?) in it.

Tonight we are going to try to see a movie with "what's his name" in it. Yeah I forgot his name. He is in a band and is also an actor. He was in American Psycho. If we get in it will be fun because we will have a chance to see him. Then the band is coming in concert (is it 30 seconds to Mars or something?) and we have tickets. So we will see him twice.

Friday night we will see Crispin Glover's movie. It will be weird. It is #2 in a trilogy. #1 was really weird. We may actually wait to see it since he tours around with it. I am not sure we are up for a midnight movie on Friday night.

Anyway...

Sundance

2007-01-22T07:36:00.000-07:00

There was a big party Saturday night we saw a bunch of stars: Tara Reid (American Pie), Paul Rudd (40 year old virgin, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy ), Efren Ramirez ("Pedro Sanchez" from Napoleon Dynamite), etc. We have a longer list but I don't have it with me.

Those are only the ones we saw going into the party and does not include the ones we saw on stage like Molly Shannon (Saturday night live), John C Reily (Talladega Nights), and Mike White (the writer of Nacho Libre and School of Rock).

There are a bunch more but you get the idea.

We had a more laid back day yesterday. I came down with a cold so I almost stayed in bed, but I ended up going to a movie. I liked the movie because it was an upper. An American Crime was a downer and Year of the Dog was funny yet kind of a downer until the end. Last night was Broken English -- it was a worthwhile movie. No stars were there since it was not the premiere and it was in Salt Lake City rather than Park City. They don't come to Salt Lake as much as experience has shown.

Today we are going to attempt to see Hound Dog. There is massive controversy about it because of the content. So much that they are considering not showing it. We'll know for sure sometime after 11:00 am when they meet to discuss it. Whoever they are. I would be disappointed in the festival if they did not show it. It's already made it in and the whole idea behind Sundance movies is Independence. Why take a movie out just because people are complaining--that is all the more reason to show it. Bad publicity is good publicity for a film festival in my opinion. Besides if they do not show it here it will be shown somewhere else and that is just dumb.

Irritable SOB at Sundance

2007-01-20T11:37:00.000-07:00

I am an irritable SOB and I hate it. Ever since I lowered my dose of Celexa I have been an ass. I feel more anxious and feel more irritable. Maybe it would be better if I went off it completely.

Can I blame the medication or lack of it for my actions? No. I am going to figure out how to live pissy without taking actions that effect others. Possible Solutions:

If I don't have something nice to say, say nothing.
If I am focusing on something that irritates me I will just have to refocus on something more positive.
Go for a walk

Sundance Film Festival Update

We saw Gary Coleman in a store. He is smaller in person than you would expect. He is like a 3rd or 2nd grader. He asked the woman working there if he could have some free "Schwag." She said that he would have to talk to the manager to which he responded by asking how they could get in contact. She'll be in on Sunday.

What is it with these people? They think just because they are famous they can just get free stuff? Ok, they can and do all of the time. It's ironic that people like that can get away with it but if someone in need comes in and wants something for free they are turned around.

We also got into the premiere of a good movie. It is called An American Crime based off of events that happened in 1965. It is about two sisters who basically got dumped at this single mother's house. She had six children already so she basically did not care if she got two more if she was being paid. In the end one of the sisters died after being horribly physically abused. Thrown down stairs. Locked in a basement. Neglected. Tied up. Burned by cigarettes. Beat and tortured by other children. Branded.

The story is sad and horrible. The whole movie was based off of court transcripts of the real crime. The single mother went to prison for 1st degree murder; she got out on parole in 1980 and died in 1985. One of the children was the youngest to ever go to a reformatory at the time. The surviving sister ended up living with the prosecutor.

We have pictures of all of the stars on stage... I will get them up when I can.

We saw some other stars by hanging out where they basically go. We saw the girl from Back to the Future. We saw this guy (the son of somebody) but my wife couldn't remember who he was. But I got some good pictures. LOL.

So that was my first day.

We are headed back out today.

Sundance Film Festival

2007-01-18T12:54:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow the festival starts. If you know me or look back at previous blog posts you will find that I am into it :)

I am going to Park City, UT tomorrow all day. I am not sure what movies we are seeing considering that we will be doing the 'wait list line' thing. This is how you get into see movies when you don't buy one in advance because they sell out instantly. Basically they reserve x number of seats. When some of the reserved seats are not taken, people in the wait list line can get in. Sometimes nobody gets in and sometimes 100 people get in--it all depends.

An added benefit this year:

It costs $15 for a movie if you pay in advance. There is a service fee of $5. What a ripoff.
It only costs $10 for the wait list line.

The part that sucks:

If you want a good chance to get in you have to stand in line for a loooooong time. It's worth it, though.

Doing Fine

2007-01-14T14:12:00.000-07:00

Sarah was concerned how I was doing and so I thought I'd take a moment and let you all know that I am fine. The "thing" that happened is in the past. I am back on track as far as I am concerned.

I actually managed to walk 2-3 miles yesterday. I did it because I felt some anxiety. Walking is good for that. I ended up taking a big long nap after that though. That kind of exercise seems to make me sleepy. I eneded up going to dinner and a movie later that night.

My web site is moving along. I have no notable visual changes just ideas and research. I actually read a research paper last night. I am going to do more of that. I am currently reading a book on success. I think I am going to go searching for a mentor.

Researching and mentors help in any business. Why re-invent the wheel. Just pick up where someone else left off and go.

Sleepy

2007-01-11T07:29:00.000-07:00

I missed my bus earlier today so here I am... I've got 5 minutes. I take the bus so I can read. Riding the bus and reading is seriously on of my favorite things.

I am feeling better now. I'm still traumatized but things are better.

I've been working on my web page. I do it in little spurts--which is all I can manage right now. I get ideas and I write them down or send them to braincast http://braincast.viatalk.com (I think that is site--it rules). I am slowly shaping the whole site in my head. When I am ready to write I am hoping it goes quickly.

Basically I have reshaped how I think the site will look like and be.

I am looking forward to it. Now I just need to find a way to schedule time to work on it--and I mean really work on it.

P.S.

I missed the next bus too for the same reason I missed the first one: my stomach hurts. I made it to work anyway. My stomach still hurts. I'm at lunch right now contemplating whether I want to read or not. I wish I could work on my web page at lunch time. Once I get enough tools built I actually could do that.

Silly Yank

2007-01-09T07:57:00.000-07:00

Well then.

I was depressed. I probably still am. I don't feel so bad now. I do not hurt as much.

That's all.

Have a nice day

Bad. Really Bad.

2007-01-07T23:04:00.000-07:00

Uuuhm . . .

What can I say.

I guess the best thing to say is that I know that I am not perfect. What the hell. It's obvious! Imperfection is what separates us. It makes us unique. The problem is that my imperfection really hurts right now. The kind of gut-wrenching pain that only happens when someone dies. That is how much pain I am in--except that nobody died.

Why do I feel this way?

None of your business. Otherwise known as: None-ya'

Sorry to my fellow bloggers and to my extended family for my lack of explanation. So don't ask.

Ouch. My head hurts. I don't think full fisted hitting yourself in the head and face is good for you. Yeah I know. Why would you do that? I have an answer to that question. It is called self-harm. It's not much different than cutting yourself. Oh by the way I bit myself really f-ing hard. Bad idea. Now I have a bump on my head and a sore spot on my arm from where I bit so hard I'm sure I pulled the skin up like an inch. I barely broke the skin though.

It is the story of my f-ing life.

Things are going along just fine. In fact things were excellent. No, I was on the ultimate path. No I was about to reach f-ing nirvana. (No not the band you moron--look it up in the dictionary) Then I just decide to freak out. Why? None-ya'. Did something happen? DID SOMETHING HAPPEN?

DID SOMETHING HAPPEN?

DID SOMETHING HAPPEN?

Yeah but it's OK now. No mention of crying in the movie theater bathroom. No mention of almost vomiting. No mention of the S word. No the S word has nothing to do with cussing. No mention of physical exhaustion being sick to my stomach. Good God am I a sick f-er. What the f does that mean? Mentally ill you silly banana head. Certifiable almost going to the mental hospital mentally ill.

Let's take two step forwards and three steps back. Two steps to the side and eight more to the back. Let's crash into the wall and on to or butts. Look at that moron he's such a klutz.

The great thing is that things that hurt can be healed. I'll get my sorry ass healed. And I am certain I will be back on the path to nirvana soon.

So am I OK?

Yes I am OK. I am alright. I am fine. I am good. I am doing well. I am.

No need for alarm bells ringing or sirens.

I just wanted to express myself right now. Since my family reads this I will let you know not to worry about anything. You are not going be given an explanation. If I am asked then I will get annoyed. Just let it go. Please. This is the place where I can express myself. I can't say what is on my mind. To anyone. The only person that knows is my wife. It will rest there. You may know no more.

No worries, mates.

Now I just have to go back to work. Get on the horse. Ride the f out of it. Get back on the tip of the f-ing mountain and find out what the f the f-word is. It could mean fish I guess.

fish you you fishing idiot fish-off go fish yourself you fisher.

Fish it, I am going to bed.

It's Friday

2007-01-05T12:26:00.000-07:00

Yay. On the other hand, Friday also has a drawback. My wife has a class tonight and all day Saturday. Ugh.

I seem to be getting more done lately. I went into a frenzy of wiping things off my TODO list after New Years. No it was not a resolution--those do not work. I am trying to keep certain areas clean by not letting them get filled with clutter. My new thing is that everything has a place so put it there.

It is really easy and it seems to be working.

My mood has been fine. I seem to be ok on a lower dose of Celexa. I notice a slight difference but how I choose my thoughts wisely helps even that out.

It's the new year

2007-01-02T08:13:00.000-07:00

. . . and I am so ready to go back to work!

NOT!!!!!!!!!!

I am tired 'cause I didn't sleep much last night. Don't worry it wasn't mania that kept me up. I'm just a night person and so is my wife. I have a feeling I'm not going to do much at work today. At least that is what I am hoping for. I like first days of the work week to go by extremely fast and I like to do nothing.

Anyway. My website work is going slow but at least it is going at all. I am still excited by it. This is something I've wanted to do forever.

I have some personal goals to set and to complete soon. I have a system to build for myself to make my life easier. I am part-way there.

Oh well, I gotta go. I'm late to work.

New Years Eve!

2006-12-31T15:56:00.000-07:00

I cut my Celexa in half. I was taking 20mg which is a 40mg pill cut in half. Now I am at 10mg. So basically I am taking a half of a half.

I had some anxiety and irritability the first couple of days. I seem to be alright now. But there may be other reasons for that. The real test is when I am back at work.

I got another book on success. This one is by the coauthor of Chicken Soup for the Soul series.

Anyway, see you next year.

Back to Work?

2006-12-27T18:55:00.000-07:00

I don't think so! Yeah work is pretty much a dead place this week. That is nice. At my last job the end of December was crazy.

Anyway I am probably going off of Celexa. A side-effect has returned (or it never went way and I didn't realize it until a week ago). It's no good. It's working great but it's no good.

It's so fun playing the roulette game of medication.

I think I will try exercise, food, and vitamins for treating my anxiety. Has anyone out there had any success trying this sort of thing?

Anyway... my web site is in existence and is slowly going to appear sometime.

Here is the address: http://www.thechoiceofsuccess.com

I am happy with the hosting I have chosen. I am ditching my original choice. They haven't even set me up correctly yet. Screw them. So I found another host that has the tools I need and the same price and undoubtedly better tools for administrating.

Fun fun fun...

Now I just need content.

Mania!!!!!!!! Chaos!!!!!

2006-12-24T22:48:00.000-07:00

Is it normal to listen to death metal really loud on Christmas eve at 11pm and mosh around your living room? Especially when you hate death metal?

Well a radio station is playing it and I have so much energy I am screaming along with it, playing air guitar, and moshing all around the living room.

Yeah I am manic I think

Happy Christmas Eve!

2006-12-24T08:25:00.000-07:00

I hope you aren't out there shopping. I finished mine yesterday. Wow, Christmas is such a capitalist holiday! Unless you are Jewish and celebrate Chanukah. Or if you are part of another religion that does not celebrate it.

I woke up early today. I just woke up at 7:40 am and basically didn't feel like sleeping anymore. So I got up, ate some oatmeal, and got on the Internet.

It's actually kind of nice.

Progress

2006-12-23T12:54:00.000-07:00

I got through the project release on Friday! Yay! It was nice to get that done. We all went home with smiles on our faces. I came home with a feeling of pride.

What I have done better lately at work is this:

- I organize everything I do
- Work efficiently
- Ask the right questions to the right people quickly
- Take pride in my work so I do the best work that I can

It is amazing what just organizing will do for you. Everyone else was scrambling to put things together. I had my stuff all ready because I organized it while I was working on it.

The Choice of Success
I have chosen my domain name and registered it with GoDaddy. The domain will be thechoiceofsuccess.com. I picked that name because it sums up everything I want to talk about. I also picked my host. I went through a lengthy list of hosts until I found one that met every criteria I needed. I have 30 days to decide whether I like the host. I will probably know 75% of it in my first three days of using it.

Off I go...

To heck with Friday

2006-12-22T07:33:00.000-07:00

Let's go straight to Saturday! Party 'till the sun comes up. Yippee!

Whatever.

That's what happens to your mind when you work for twelve hours the day before. Tonight? Well tonight I will probably be working another "twelver." Why? Because we are releasing an end of year type project. Next week no projects. Yay.

I have trained myself such that it just flat out does not matter what goes on at work. But I could use a good night's sleep. I am waking up so tired. I pretty much gave up on the sleep experiment after reading the pros and cons of doing that sort of thing. I do not want to do damage to my health. Now I just want to find how many hours my body naturally wants and I want to have a set schedule.

I am going to purchase a domain name for my site tonight or tomorrow. I am also going to be paying for at least 3 months of hosting at one of the sites I was testing out. They have a 60 day money back guarantee if you are not happy with their service. If I like it, in three months I will pay for a year (or make monthly payments).

This new work I am doing is making me very happy because I feel like I am progressing towards something I have been wanting forever. I have also matured enough to realize that these things take time. It will be months before I have anything professional looking up. But, I will invite whoever to see the site as it progresses.

I will be incorporating everything I have learned in the last 5 years into something simple and concise that will hopefully benefit anyone who reads it.

About Less Sleep

2006-12-21T07:30:00.000-07:00

I found an interesting side-effect to going to bed later and getting up earlier. Time does not matter so much to me anymore. Like before I would be upset if it was 8pm "too early." In other words I was so busy all of a sudden it was late so I felt sorry for myself.

The other fact I have found was, of course, I am more tired. That is why I have decided to limit it to 7 hours right now. That amount of sleep is what my body likes to get so I will give it that. I am going to do some research to see if it is possible to change how much sleep your body can get used to (or likes to get).

So I will not be pushing the sleep deprivation limits quite yet--at least not this week.

Crazy Ideas and Timelines

2006-12-19T20:53:00.000-07:00

Stay up later and get up earlier. That sounds like a great idea to me! I am trying an experiment to see what my body thinks of getting 5-6 hours of sleep a night. I want a little extra time at night and in the morning to do things. Does that sound crazy or what!

It could cause mania. We'll see.

I need to get this out of my mind an on to virtual paper:

My Choice of Success Project:

Phase I - Content
I ran a quick estimation of the time line for putting together my content for my web site. I came up with about 3 months just for putting together the content--and that does not mean completing it. Basically I know that at the most I will average 2 hours a day on it.

I generally know how many pages I will have and how much writing will go into each page. I also generally know what the content will be. I am currently putting together some outlines, one of which I will choose for the web site.

Phase II - Graphic design
It's too early to put together any time line for this phase. Basically I will be putting together the color scheme, look and feel, and logos for the site. I will either to the design myself or I will have someone else do it. We will see.

All I care is that it looks professional--it does not have to be a work of art. (I am good at art by the way)

I most likely will be picking out a color scheme from this really neat book I have just to make it easy on myself.

Phase III - Tools
Basically I will be building a lot of tools for the site. I may enlist the help of others in order to speed up the process. All work would be done for free through an open source project.

Anyway from now on I will be posting blog entries about this on another blog:

http://choice-of-success.blogspot.com/

See you later

Announcement

2006-12-18T20:11:00.000-07:00

This is an announcement of the Choice of Success project. I have found free hosting with hard-to-get-for-free tools that I am interested in using.

The website when it comes up (in about 4 hours from the time of this post) will be:

http://choiceofsuccess.somee.com/

I have a second website with a host that is missing one of the tools I want, but it may suffice. I will be posting to both sites when I have updates. Here is the other site:

http://choiceofsuccess.brinkster.net/

Right now I have a very generic start of a site--the typical "Under Construction" page.

I will be taking the culmination of what I have learned and I will be condensing it into something that will help people decide to be successful.

I am starting with a page about succeeding in managing your moods when you have mental illness.

This should be interesting so I invite you to watch over time as I build this site. Eventually I will get my own domain and pay for hosting but for now I have to start small. I can't pay even $5 a month for hosting right now--it would not be reasonable.

Along with the site will come an eBook with a similar or exactly the same title.

Have a nice day

Crash and Burn!

2006-12-18T08:21:00.000-07:00

Last night I got stressed over not being able to find pay stubs from last month. Also I can't find last year's W-2s. Why do I need them? Because I am setting up payments for a mental hospital stay. We got a summons not too long ago which I had to respond to in writing. So now I have to show them what I make and fill out this form that seems like a damn loan application.

I would much rather just find an agreeable payment to both of us than to have to do this sh$t.

It's my fault for putting their payment below my credit cards. Credit cards were going to be paid first and then these guys. Yeah I meant to be sending them something every month but I didn't.

So I put my head under my pillow and went to sleep. Crash and burn.

As I say, now I must pick myself up and move along.

These are the changes I intend to start this week:

Shower every other day
Do my laundry
Look nice for work
Show up on time every day even though nobody else in my department does
Balance things out so that family, work, spirit, health, etc. all get an equal amount of fulfillment
Keep things organized at home
Study up on material related to my career I have been skipping out on
Start on getting my "system" down on paper for how I will do all of this and begin to write an eBook.
Get a web site with specific tools so I can practice my trade. I found a free one last night that is hosted by a Christian organization. All I have to do is pay for domain registration and follow standards. They allow the type of content I want to have plus they like to give sites to people who are trying to better their situations. There is another free one that I am registered with but they delete your site if you don't use it within a short amount of time. It is a pain in the ass to put it back up--plus I couldn't share it on this blog because it has my name on it.
Make some important phone calls
Do some stupid tasks
Etc.

I am sick of tired of not being who I see myself as.

Have a nice day.

'tis the season...

2006-12-17T18:17:00.000-07:00

...to go shopping. Christmas is almost here.

Yes we pretty much spent the whole weekend shopping. I have no complaints though. Complaining is against my rules. I remembered some tools I have for when I get moody. For instance, if I find myself getting restless at a store I can be creative and find something interesting to do. Remember it's always a choice whether you want to get impatient or moody or if you want to be happy. I chose happy.

And now for something completely different.

I am finding that I have a pilot light still lit on the success stuff. I am realizing that all I have to do is make a few decisions and I will be on the path I need to be on. My instincts are telling me a few things:

I need to find a free or cheap web hosting site that has the right "stuff" for me to work with. I need to practice my job skills away from work where I am either to busy or too unmotivated. Plus I need to build a website so I may as well do it on a free or cheap site.

I am looking to do this soon and will be sharing it on the blog so that everyone can see how it develops. It will not be much of anything at much at first but playing around.
I need to figure out what kind of business I am going to start and how I am going to go about starting it. I am realizing that my passions are the Internet, success, and anything else I have not been able to shake for years. If my interests last over the years even when I am not working on something actively, then that is my passion.
I need to balance this out with everything else
I waste too much of my time
I need to find more time in the day. Donald Trump does it by sleeping 4 hours a night. I'm not saying that I could or should do that but it got me thinking about my sleeping habits. I do not like to wake up in the morning and fight getting up. During the weekends I would like to wake up earlier but end up sleeping in a little too long. I want to fix this.

Anyway.

My general plan is this: Start doing real work towards my first business. I am thinking it will likely be a web site of some sort. I am also planning on putting together a simple system for myself to enable me to be organized, efficient, happy and then writing it down in a small eBook that will be provided for free as a first go at writing an eBook.

I am thinking I want a pen name. Who I am in real life is still going to be kept hidden. I do not want any of this to hinder my current career.

Gotta go

Efficiency

2006-12-16T11:18:00.000-07:00

Temper tantrums, angry moods, depression, mania, euphoria, anxiety, etc.

These are all wastes of time. If you want to really get somewhere in your life, and I mean somewhere extra, you have to find some level of efficiency. The car won't go if you don't push on the gas. If you hesitate you will miss your chance to go because some car will come along and block your way. You will have to wait until the next chance to go.

This is my life.

How much average time do I waste during a week? Right now I am certain it is over 70%.

In all honesty I have no passion for what I do at work. I spend a lot of time not doing anything because I am not feeling it. Yes I get my work done on time--or early. I should be taking the extra time to learn more about what I do: programming. But I don't. Why? Because I chose not too. I have no passion.

The reason I am so passionate about reading biographies and self-help books is that I want to put together a system for myself that works. I want to break down the wastes of time. The mood problems and the emotional baggage that goes along.

The main motivation for this is that I want to have my own business and I want to run it at home. I want to earn enough money to have the things I want and not feel restricted. I want a website. I want a business. These two ideas have been in my head for YEARS. They will not go away. If I give up on the ideas. They come right back.

How am I going to get there? How am I going to achieve this?

By becoming efficient.

I am increasingly becoming aware of how much time I waste. And I am very aware of how I am not going anywhere. I push the gas. I Stop. I put the car in reverse and back up. I Stop. I push the gas some more. I Stop. I turn off the car. I start the car. I push the gas. I crash the car. I have to get the car fixed. Blah, blah, blah

JUST DRIVE THE STUPID CAR FORWARD AND TRY NOT TO CRASH IT AS BEST YOU CAN!

That is how I feel right now.

Obsession CAN be a waste of time if you are obsessing about the wrong thing. But if you obsess about the right thing you could go far.

Now I know that prioritizing is even more important. It was mentioned that sometimes prioritizing is fuzzy. You bet it is. You have to be aware enough of the situation to know if what you are doing is IMPORTANT. If it's not drop it. It does not matter if you suffer from bipolar disorder 1/3 is mood, 1/3 is your reaction to stimulus, and 1/3 is your health (exercise and diet).

I am starting a new challenge for myself starting now.

I am doing to focus on what is important and drop the things that aren't. I am going to look for things that are important to my goals (starting a business and a website).

When I figure it out I am going to write an ebook and publish it on this blog and on a website. It will be free and it will be directed towards sufferers of mental illness.

Have a nice Saturday!

Obsessive

2006-12-12T12:19:00.000-07:00

I have always had an obsessive personality. I tend to latch on to something and become unable to let go until it's done or my body is so tired I have to sleep. It used to be things like games and programming projects. But I think a lot of the time back then I was being manic with racing thoughts and a euphoric need to keep going.

Anyway, I noticed that after my meds were working a lot of my obsession was about escaping. I really wanted that euphoric feeling I used to get. But I don't get that so much now so it is not as fulfilling.

For example:

Last night I needed to update my Google calendar, read emails, and budget. So I did. I spent a long time on the budgeting and I am not sure how much of it was actually helpful. I should have gotten off the computer at that point but instead I started doing random things I felt like doing--a complete waste of time. Sadly not much of it was fulfilling and I went to bed very late and feeling alone.

As Steven Covey said most of your time should be spent on things that are important but not urgent and to avoid things that are not important.

Side note: spending time on important but not urgent things will cause urgent things to come up less

So, in other words, I felt like crap because I was unfulfilled and I spent too much time on unimportant things.

In even shorter words: I didn't limit my time.

So tonight will be different. I will spend most of my time doing things that are important but not urgent (and things that are urgent if I have to). Then I should feel more fulfilled and happy.

Headache

2006-12-08T13:10:00.000-07:00

Yeah I am having a headache pain-in-the-ass day at work. It just so happens that I also have a real headache.

Anyway, I just wrote this long rant and deleted out of the realization that ranting is negative and pointless.

I am going to go read for the rest of my lunch.

Oh My... Manic Again?

2006-12-06T18:58:00.000-07:00

Part 1

Last night I didn't want to go to bed because I was too awake and thinking too much. I worked on plans and the budget until around 2am.

I woke up around 6am.
I got up around 6:30am.
I got on the bus to go to work at 6:55ish.

I worked non-stop all day long. I ate my sandwich around 3pm by taking a bite, running around helping out with major problems, and taking another bite, over and over.

I left work at 5pm.

Now here I am. I think yesterday's pissy mood was caused by a mixed mood. Part depressed and part manic. It was also caused by the fact that I needed protein. It was also caused by lack of self control. The comments in my last post helped me figure that out.

Interesting. Two-thirds of the problem were under my direct control. One third is under my indirect control (maybe if I exercised more, maybe if I hadn't missed one dose of Depakote, etc.)

Part 2

I want to share an old post I made here is a quick excerpt:

In my twenties I was not doing well. I thought it was just depression. I didn't see the mania yet although looking back I clearly had it. I was very secretive about what I was thinking about and what I was doing. Sometimes I would do what is called rehearsing suicide...

If you want to read the whole post go here: http://crazybipolar.blogspot.com/2005/11/bad-places.html

Oh My... Pissy Again!

2006-12-05T17:23:00.000-07:00

I woke up today like I had something against the world I guess. In the car, just about to leave, I decided to just get pissy and freak out at my wife. For what reason?

None.

Truth be told if I were to practice what I am learning and preaching I wouldn't have to hold my head in shame tonight when she gets home at 8pm (the first time I will have had a chance to apologize). This would not have happened in the first place if I used what I know.

Set-backs are the path to learning and acquiring new skills.

So my wife has been hurt again but now days I do not blame it on my illness. Yeah my illness exists and if I let it happen it can get pretty ugly. I do not have to though. The million dollar question is, "How do I stop this shit from happening?" The answer? Cognitive therapy.

The billion dollar question? "How do I do cognitive therapy on my self?"

Self-help is inherently flawed. How can you help yourself if your self is fucked up?

Ciao.

Got Sick

2006-12-04T20:08:00.000-07:00

I was sick on Saturday and Sunday. Then I hurt my back on Monday. Nothing serious. It was just enough to make me make me sit at my wife's work for 30 minutes while a huge dose of Ibuprophin worked.

That was my last three days.

Communication

2006-12-02T16:41:00.000-07:00

The biggest thing I have learned from Steven Covey was something I never expected to. How to listen with empathy. It is far too easy to fall into the trap of coming up with a response while someone else is talking. You can't listen when you are thinking about what to say. Also, it is too easy to read your biography into their story.

I have found compelling reasons why one should just listen.

First of all listening with empathy is all about letting the talker know that you understand their message and their feelings. We all want to be understood. When we aren't we tend to back off a little. But when someone really listens you tend to open up to more and trust them more. You can gain a lot from that.

If it your spouse then they will feel closer and understood, if it is a child they will feel understood and would be less reserved and defensive. If it is a business transaction you gain more trust from customers or partners and will benefit from it (for example--get the sale).

Here are two (simple) examples of listening and listening with empathy:

Example 1
talker: Bob is a total and complete idiot--he gets under my skin
listener: Bob is an idiot. Yeah I had this friend named Dan and he always stole shoes from me that really got under my skin too.
talker: Yeah Bob is an ass

Example 2
talker: Bob is a total and complete idiot--he gets under my skin
empathic listener: Bob really annoys you.
talker: Yeah because he is always coming up with the stupidest ideas and tells the boss it was my idea when the ideas are laughed at in meetings. I always have to defend myself.
empathic listener: He blames bad ideas on you and makes you feel like you have to put yourself on defense. You feel it is unfair and wrong.
talker: You totally understand. What should I do about it?

So in example 1 the listener is not really listening but is reading this own life story into it. The talker does not really feel understood. In example 2 the listener is listening and is understanding both the concept and the emotion so the talker feels more inclined to share the talker feels understood.

Super Quick Post

2006-11-30T12:56:00.000-07:00

I am no longer depressed. I just finished the book I was reading. No my studies are not going to go away :) I was just freaking out. I was irrational that day.

I am going to be spending some time doing exercises from the books and really trying to understand how to implement everything I have been learning. Meanwhile, I am going to read the Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin. Then I am going to find more books to read.

So my search continues to succeed in mastering my mental state--even when I am depressed and irrational.

My search also reaches to other people in my life. I realize now that success isn't just about yourself. Success is associated with interdependence--not just independence.

I have also inadvertently discovered how to communicate. Seek first to understand--then to be understood. That goes along with blogs doesn't it? I comment on your blog and you read and comment on mine. Hmm.

Gotta get back to work.

Stupid

2006-11-29T00:39:00.000-07:00

I woke up with the depression monkey on my back today.

I handled it for most of the day.

Then I got home and freaked out because I couldn't find my prescription. It's not even a big deal because I can just have the pharmacy call it in. That is what my pill pusher wants me to do for refills anyway. It wasn't really about that anyway. I just don't feel well.

So I recognized it was going to be a bad night. I felt like crap and I knew the effect it was going to have on my sick wife so I went to bed. Note to self: Hey dumbass don't you think going to bed when your wife is sick and needs you is a good idea? I may as well have just freaked out all over the place.

Self-help is fundamentally flawed. Why? Because if you are fucked up how can you be your own therapist? You need support. These books I am reading do nothing for me if I don't use them. If they are just a fun read then I know that I will eventually drop the whole thing. No passion is the end of interest for me. No more interest. No more point. I hate being this way but I know no other.

I am sofa king deep rest right now. (translation: I am so fucking depressed right now)

Don't worry anyone I am not going off the deep end. I've been there enough to know I don't want to go there. That is why I go to sleep. I just know that when my depression starts affecting others I need to start watching myself.

No "episodes" please. Thank you very much.

So don't worry about me I'll get over it. I wonder if it is the weather change.

Well I didn't do any of the things I planned on doing tonight. So I am going back to bed. And yippie I get to feel alone. I get to be hungry because I don't want to eat. I get to have self-pity selfishness. I get to decide whether or not I have the energy to go take my pills before I go to bed. I get to think about how crappy my work is. I get to feel heavy. I get to hurt. I get to feel like every day/week/month is the same. I get to have no passion. I get to focus on problems rather than solutions. I get to wish I were wearing my jacket to bed. Not because I am cold but because that's just a symptom.

Silly stupid old me. Feeling sorry for myself over a mood.

Damn no more success books for me. Hobbies go away when I hit major depressions.

Interdependence

2006-11-27T23:19:00.000-07:00

I am reading the book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Steven Covey. One of the biggest points he makes in the book is that most self-help books talk about independence. Steven Covey argues that this is not and should not be the end to self-help. Interdependence relates to how we depend on each other; you have more power when you have other people to help you and when you are helping other people. So that should be the focus.

I kind of feel I move too fast when I read these books because I do not completely absorb early information before moving on to the next information. That is exactly how not to read a self-help book.

Anyway, my point is I don't have a point. That is how I feel right now. Kind of lost in the middle somewhere. I have a lot of facts floating around. I probably need to take a step back and review everything and think about it.

But I am so darn engrossed in these books that I want to push forward.

I guess I will just have to read it over again. That actually is something you should do when reading a book of this type. Read it once, apply what you read, read it again, re-apply it, read it again, apply it yet again, etc.

I really want to understand and commit to doing what these books say. Although I see myself slipping in some ways. I tend to catch myself though.

I am really babbling tonight.

I gotta go